Fighter

The human spirit is resilient, but only if you let it be. Each day I find that life can, and does, get harder and harder if you allow it to. And we should. We make bigger and bigger mistakes. Wrongs continue to happen. The pain gets deeper and deeper. Issues come up we never expected to deal with before. But the payout from all of that is far greater than one could imagine. This isn't some feel good post. Because I know that possibly tomorrow some hardship may come your way. But this also isn't some post to console you. I don't want it to. Consolation can only come from those that understand. This is more encouragement to do the right thing in times of struggle. Fight it. Don't let the struggle overcome. But don't run either.

Struggle builds character. Character leads to maturity. And maturity leads to a life where one understands all around them. I purposefully surround myself with those that are self aware. Eating disorders, former drug problems, a severe lack of confidence, selfishness, arrogance, and even anger abound amongst my friends. I am attracted to those that are open with their struggles. An openness about it means an acknowledgement of their struggle which builds that all important character. It also provides deeper and more meaningful relationships.


I have had my fair share of good relationships over the years, but for the first time in my life, I don't run out of numbers to call by the time someone picks up in my time of need. That isn't to brag, but to encourage you to be open. Stand up to your struggles face first, be prepared to fight, and be open about it. Let those you trust around you see what your fight is today, tomorrow, and in five years. I can say this now because in the last week I was confronted with the option to run or to confront. Because I was open and sought the advice of those I trust, I made the right choice. I am fighting with all I have in the best way possible. And while things aren't perfect and may not be for a while, for the first time in two weeks I have never felt lighter. I have never felt more purposeful or closer and in touch with my life. That is worth fighting for in any situation, no matter how difficult.




There goes a fighter.

Family

What is family? Who are family? I have been struggling with this issue a lot lately and mainly because over the last year I have chosen to ignore problems that were arising in my own biological family.

Family, to me, is the group of people you surround yourself by, biological or not, that love you unconditionally. This doesn't mean that they don't have expectations for you. This also doesn't mean you are always right with them. Unconditional love doesn't necessarily mean you can do no harm or wrong. But you run a fine line trying to be supportive but also corrective. I can tell you from personal experience on many occasions that my own family (whomever that may be) has crossed the line into being too corrective. Someone in my family once told me that each family has its own set of morals and expectations. Problems arise within the family when one member chooses not to follow those expectations and boundaries. While I understand what was trying to be explained, I think in this last week I have come to realize what was truly meant.

A family member is no more when they chose to no longer love those unconditionally in the family. A perfect example: recently I was hurt deeply by one in my family. Words cannot fathom how difficult the days following the incident were. And over time that pain turned to anger, and suddenly anger was turning to rejection. I had no desire to be a part of this family any longer. But it wasn't until I received sound advice and had time to ponder what had happened that I realized I was beginning to not love my family unconditionally. No matter what had been done or said, no matter how hurtful or hypocritical, were I to shut down and divorce myself from the family I would no longer be loving them unconditionally. The rift that was occurring wasn't happening because of any choices I had made. It wasn't happening because rules or boundaries were being broken, nor because expectations were set too high. No, it was happening because both sides had stopped loving the other unconditionally. No matter who "committed it first" the sin was ours to bear together. And were neither of us to acknowledge that then there would have been a great divorce. So ugly and so painful I'd like not to think on it.

But if a group of people or a person is considered family to you, than no matter what, you will love them unconditionally. You will fight for a relationship no matter what mistakes or hurtful things are said or done. You will not give up. Because giving up is not loving unconditionally. And not loving unconditionally means you are not family.

Washing Machine

There are so many things I want to write right now. I am inundated with a wild mix of emotions that I can't seem to control. They are whirling inside me like a washing machine. Random ones come up to the top then spin back down only to reappear at a later time. One moment I am happy. The following I am depressed. Anger will flow up out of nowhere. Frankly, it is tiring. Because on top of all of this I am forced to move on as if everything is okay. But it isn't. And it damn sure isn't fair that I have to pretend like it is. Is this what being an adult is like? Because I feel like a thirteen year old tween girl going through her first PMS session.

I always wonder if I do a good job hiding my emotions. Is it a tight lid I have on that washing machine of mine? Or is the lid flopping open as the suds pour down the sides in all directions. Am I leaving a trail behind me that people can follow and see the random changes in colors? First blue suds that fade away to green and then to red. Something is clearly out of balance causing everything to escape. And I wish I could say it was just one thing. But there are so many factors in my life right now contributing to this carousel of feelings. Round and round I go, what emotions come up I will never ever know. What is powering this carousel? Family, work, bills, friends, alcohol, sex, TV, housing, which basically means everything.

But I will prevail. It sucks in this moment, but I can remember moments just as dark. And here I am, able to remember those moments. Some day in the future that washing machine will balance out. Things will cycle at a normal pace and I won't have to keep a lid on all that is swirling inside because it will be the regular machine it should be. We all get out of balance periodically in our lives. Sometimes it feels as though everything has been tilted on its head. But no matter now many suds or their color that comes leaking out, in the end things right and the cycle moves on.

Final Round

And so it happened again. But this fight wasn't fair from the start. I wasn't prepared for what was going to happen. And the blow this time, it was a surefire KO. You were so sneaky with it too. I had no idea it was coming. Hidden behind a swath of parries and false jabs it left me clear and open for the taking. I definitely felt my entire body crush under the blow. I have been hit hard before, but never like this. This was personal, this was intimate. My body slammed to the floor. Blood and sweat dripped from my lower lip. I tried to focus but everything was fading in and out, spinning around. And that ache. My whole body was on fire in pain from the blow. Or was it the humiliation of what had just happened?

I felt as though all eyes were on me. Inquisitive looks gave away the thoughts everyone was trying to hide... Is he going to make it? Was this it? It had been such a long and drawn out fight that it certainly couldn't be over this quickly. I put my gloves onto the floor and tried to push up. There is no way this is going to work out. My left hand slipped in a puddle of sweat and I slammed back down on the ground. I hear the count. And it is over with.

You know, it is funny. I swore these fights were over. But you kept coming back with more. But that was the final round. I am walking away. With that blow you told me it would be my own undoing that forced me to walk away. But no, you are wrong. And even though in the ring you won, you lost outside. Because you lost me. I can only take so many blows from you. In the coming months you will start to ask yourself, was it worth it?

Top Rated

Try not to think about it
But you remind
That we are heading in the wrong direction
You make me sick and tired
No never learn
You put yourself on top and that just makes me
Slip and slide and wish my heart away
Come a time when I don't feel like crawling
I try to do right until my heart breaks
In need of repair, it won't be you I'm calling

Try to take me down
I'll be right up
'cause you aim too low
And I've had enough
Always been top rated
You think you can change it?
Think that you can change it?
Top top top top rated 

-Lyrics by Icona Pop

Missed Connection: Truth and reality

...if I even had an ounce of courage to do so. You see, I've made a complete fool of myself in your eyes. I either tried too hard, or didn't try hard enough to convey to you how much I love you; the happiness I feel when we talked, and especially when we saw each other. Your spell over me is quite heavy, as I feel it just as much if not even more now. Yes, even after not seeing each other in over 6 months, and not talking the last few months. I either totally scared you away, or totally repulsed you. Probably the latter, honestly. And I'm completely embarrassed and mortified about that. 

It wasn't your fault. My feelings for you are so powerful, I didn't know how to express them. I remember saying that if we didn't work out, that I could acknowledge that and still be your friend. But I couldn't. Not after knowing you were giving your attention to someone else. I'd already known that, but the written words crumbled my world. I'd made an utter fool of myself in your eyes, and there was nothing I could do about it. Nothing I could say that could change your mind. 

I apologize for not keeping my end of the bargain and remaining an active friend to you. But you'd have to feel what I'm feeling, just for 5 minutes, to fully understand how devastated I've been feeling. I can't even talk to you and treat you as a friend, I'm so ashamed. I hope you can understand this. I also wish you knew how nothing has changed for me regarding you. I still love you and cherish you with all that I have in me. Even more so since we've been apart. I ache for you. I wanted you... in every aspect of life. My best friend, a passionate lover....a partner in everything. I'd still want that, but I can only bring myself to speak to you in my thoughts/fantasies, and pour out my heart to your ghost lying in my arms at night, because that's safe...I can't get hurt that way. But the oxymoron of that is that I do hurt more. 

Perhaps I'll save this letter, and rehearse it. Maybe even memorize it. Aw, f**k it, I'm better at winging it anyway. But perhaps one day I'll see you. And perhaps I'd get to say these words I've typed here to your beautiful face. I really would like to. Holding back a love like this is like trying to hold back a tsunami with an umbrella. I love you...always, Beautiful lady..always. 

Missed Connection: Gave you a ride 4:00am

This is so random but hey sometimes you have to throw caution to the wind and live life.... You were walking to a friends house at 17th & P and I gave you a ride for 3 blocks we spoke about your friend in a hospital ..... I just thought you had a great spirit about you... and a very caring soul.... So if for some crazy reason you have nothing better to do then to read the craigslist missed connections perhaps we can grab a cup of coffee,,,, I was going to give you my card but when we got to the destination 1725 P Street (lol) and your friend was waiting at the curb to meet you there was that akward moment where we just said goodbye..Sometimes in life you have to put it out there in the universe and see what happens... 

Photo Courtesy editorialgirl via Flickr

Single

Why are we so afraid of being alone? Why is it that we need to have someone, or some people, around us? Better yet, why is it that we associate being single as also being alone?

I know this post will speak to few of us, since probably 75% of whom I know is in some sort of relationship: marriage, dating, significant other, etc. But I want to argue against the idea that being single means you are alone. Trust me, I have been single my entire life, aside from a few casual dating moments and one almost serious relationship (that I screwed up no less). But I can say that I am not sitting here writing some melodramatic song about being alone, being heartbroken, hoping to find that special someone, etc.

Many of you will argue back that in 3 years I will have matured and will finally want to "settle down." To that, I say, I will never settle down. I will find someone, yes. And that someone will want me to stick around and be happy to be taken. But it will not be someone that will cause me to settle down. And until then, I am not alone. I think it also goes deeper than just feeling alone. Because I have seen so many of my friends who jump around from relationship to relationship. Are they really trying to find that one person? They aren't trying to be whores, that is for sure. It isn't that superficial. No, they try to validate themselves through a relationship. And that never works out. Trust me, the past two relationships I was "in" were ones where I was trying to validate who I was through the relationship I was pursuing. And that isn't healthy nor does it work.

But it is this relentless pursuit that causes us to ignore the reality that we may be pursuing a relationship solely for our own validation. We need to ignore the pressure around us and make sure that when we do dive into a commitment with another human, it is in a manner that reflects a validation of each other. Until then, remain single. Date casually, but remain single. Don't dive into commitment until you know that when you take that leap there is a desire to validate the other person in the relationship. I honestly think there would be less relationships in number, but more successful ones if we all followed this idea.

 Don't get me wrong, I am no professional at relationships: I have never been in a serious, committed relationship. But it has been my experience in failed after failed dating situation, on either part, that has taught me to reflect first on what my intentions are. And it takes time to determine that in any relationship. Which is why we don't become best friends with another right away. So lets not do the same with boyfriends and girlfriends. But when we do:

Missed Connection - have a goodnight darlin

You stop at my work from time to time and as soon as we see eachother we both smile and don't stop smiling wish I wasn't shy when your in your car smiling up at me as I take your doller... 

conFESSional: Age

I have written many posts regarding my age. I always say how much I have learned or just how mature I am. To be honest, for the last few years I have had an arrogance around me that I was mature, ready to take on the world, and what mistakes I made weren't all that bad. But because of that attitude, I look back and see just how reckless many of my decisions were. I was arrogant, selfish, rude, blunt, and all in ways I didn't have to be. No, I am not trying to beat myself up over it, but it really hit me over the last two weeks.

I am not sure what brought it on, but I began to reflect on past decisions, both recent and old. And as I remembered in detail the thought process or my actions, I see so many things that I did wrong. They are things I also didn't realize I had done incorrectly up until now. Which made me realize: I am young. More than I ever imagined. I am just 23. Sure, to a 18 year old or a senior in college that seems old. Yes, I was renting my own apartment at the age of 22. Yes, I graduated college almost 3 years ago. But I am not 50. I haven't worked in an office for 15 years. I don't know what Washington, DC was like back in 1985 much less 2001. I can't tell you what the hottest styles were back in 1991. I really haven't lived. Despite all that I have said. So my confession this week is my arrogance towards my age.

I. Don't. Know. Anything. Really. I have hurt many people, frustrated others, and angered some because of my belief that I had it all and couldn't possibly make a major mistake. Seldom did I, over the past year, think of others. And no, I am not being overdramatic. This is a blog post, so lets focus in on the issue at bay. So yes, I have been selfless at times this year. It is as if over the last two weeks a veil has lifted and I have seen what I have done that affected others. I knew they were "good" decisions for me, but I failed to recognize that they may have been "bad" decisions for others.

But with all my confessionals here, past (just one!) and future (there will be many), there is always something positive to be had from it. And that is I am moving forward being observant of the chain reaction my decisions have. And also recognizing that there are others in this world, in my life, that matter. It started this weekend: rather than booze it up, try and meet someone, eat McDonald's at 3am and then regret it all the next day, I went and spent the weekend with my parents and my 93 year old grandmother. She lost her son last November, and before I lose her, I want to spend every chance I get with her. Death has a funny hold on us (possible post later? mebbe) and it certainly has been a large part of the thinking behind this confessional.

So I confess my arrogance. I confess how my actions have failed to take into consideration others. But I celebrate my ability to recognize it and now work towards ensuring I have mostly positive effects on those that I care and love.

Open ConFESSional

I think part of the reason I don't blog as often as I could is because I have so many different thoughts and ideas and can never focus on one. I also worry that I become repetitive with my postings. If I am sounding like a broken record, then I apologize. But the reality is that there are so many lessons that I have to relearn and relearn and relearn before they finally stick in my mind. And I have made many. I am going to start an open confessional where I post about my young ignorant mistakes that I make. And I seem to make the same ones over and over again. But what I have started to see over the last year as I reflect on my choices, both good and bad, is that my choices to affect others. I have said nasty things. I have said uplifting things. I have ignored people. I have devoted time to others. I am hoping my open confessional will do something for those that read it, and for he who writes it. I want it to be a weekly reminder that our actions affect those around us. So to begin:

To "B": I apologize for not recognizing that I couldn't initially give you what you deserved. You had shown your hesitations towards trusting me on numerous occasions and I chose to take advantage of that. I will never forgot that day where I sat you down across my kitchen table and told you my decision. I could see how stunned you were. How much it hurt you.

Hurt. Inconsiderate. Rude.

And yet you stuck around. You showed a devotion to a friendship that I didn't seem to care about. That trust I violated you kept for whatever reason. You chose to ignore my immaturity.

You waited for me. And here we are, more than a year later and I can say with my heart that I have found one of my best friends. And nothing can change that. So I confess:

Selfishness. Arrogance.

Re: Dust

And just like that the dust has swirled up in my life again. Funny how things aren't very clear for very long in my life. But I attribute that to the fact that I am young and this crazy thing called life is forcing me to grow and change. I remember my first month at college a few years ago being hit with some issues. I honestly can't remember what they were, but I was talking to my RD and he told me at the end of our conversation that what I was dealing with was merely the first of many issues and problems I would be confronted with. Harder than ever before, and being faced (initially) alone, it was what adulthood was all about. It is sort of like resistance training. As soon as you are comfortable with 3 sets of 10 reps at 45 pounds, you raise the weight to 50. Life waits until that moment and then raises the bar.

Right now I am currently faced with a situation I have never been in before. It is uncharted water for me. And even though I am failing miserably at it for the time being, I can look back in time and see that there have been many situations before this where I had no idea what I was doing at first, but eventually I conquered it and learned how to deal with the situation properly. And while I am completely clueless, I can say this: someone over the last year has helped me prepare for something like this. I have found that one person that has pushed me, allowed me to be honest and open and, in turn, has fought for me. Because of her, I know I have someone on the sidelines, a champion for my cause and for me. And because of that, I am here, confident that as the dust swirls around me again and I start to feel overwhelmed by it all, I am a more open, honest, and confident person.

I owe it to her. And for the first time in a long I feel as though I have found that one person who has continued to work in my life and transform me. It is a deep friendship that I have been missing for far too long. And it is exciting in a way that a little dust can't diminish.

Dust

I am not really sure what to write about. But I think the dust is settling in my life after a few weeks of very very very very very cloudy visions. I wasn't sure what was going on, but I knew I couldn't see very far. And that bothered me, being the planner that I am.

Photo Courtesy Liz Higgs via Flickr

But thankfully the wind has died down, the dust has settled, and I even think I am about to get a much needed rain. It is funny the clarity you realize you didn't have until you get it. I remember one time knowing I should clean my glasses, but it wasn't really bothering me. Then, a coworker forced me to wipe them clean and the moment I did, I realized just how dirty they had been! It was as if I was use to the cloudiness. I had become ok with my discomfort and ok with the abnormal. Maybe that isn't such a bad thing, for doesn't that make the normal times that much more enjoyable?

At the same time, why should I allow myself to be handicapped? I shouldn't be ok with seeing things incorrectly or even okay with problems in my life. Granted, some problems will take plenty of time to resolve, but to be okay with them is a bigger issue than any I know. So as the dust settles this time, I will work at trying not to rustle things up again. Because once that dust is here things get real cloudy, and I risk becoming okay with that once more.

Yellow

It used to be that fall was my least favorite time of the year. Fall meant the end of lazy summer days, the  coming cold winter, and work. I used to despise the changing colors all around me because I knew what followed. How could anyone enjoy such colors when death was just around the corner. It was to get cold, dark, and lonely for months. Why is that something to look forward to? I find a couple things wrong with that perspective.

For one, enjoy the moment you are in. Perhaps it is because now, having a few more years on me than I did back in middle school or even elementary school, I see that life is full of both frost and humidity. Sunshine isn't always readily available each and every day. So when there is a burst of life, as in the spring or fall-when that kaleidoscope of colors is upon us-it is one of life's great moments. And we should celebrate and enjoy it, not detest it. Yes, death is around the corner, but spring will be back, as will fall. And for those 5-6 weeks it is beauty on a level unmatched the rest of the year. 

But secondly, why is death such a bad thing to begin with? For one, in nature, the death I am talking about isn't really a true death but a hibernation. A reprieve from the blossoming and flowering that takes  precedence the rest of the year. It is a needed rest. As is death. And so, referring back to the first point, once you have come to terms with the fact that death and rest are both needed, you begin to enjoy fall that much more.

And so it is with eager anticipation that I wait for the changing leaves. I am looking forward to the pallette or reds, oranges, yellows, browns, and fading greens. And I am also looking forward to the bareness of winter. It is a time to recover. And a time to ponder anew. So that come April, when life is back in full force, I am prepared for the sweeping changes that will occur. Take this last gasp of change with excitement, and enjoy it while it lasts.

Something Special

A lot of my posts contain personal reflections, anecdotes, thoughts, etc. And, it just so happens, many of my themes revolve around personal struggles and victories. But I have felt for the longest time that something has been missing from my posts. I dedicate this post to you. "You" being my friends and family.

A LOT of my lessons learned haven't been from my own doing, but rather my own undoing and then the support my friends provide to bring me back up. It took quite the act of arrogance on my part this weekend to be brought down to a level and realize just how much I owe to those around me. The past 2 1/2 years since I have started this blog haven't been easy. From living in a developing country, to finding that elusive first job, to buying my first car, to moving out on my own into my own studio at the age of 22, it has been a series of dramatic challenges month after month. Each time I have been presented with something new and difficult I have relied on someone. Yes, some say I am strong, but a lot of my strength today comes from lessons learned and an extra hand from back then. I want to name you all as a way of saying thanks to what you have done for me. One of my favorite songs of all time is a relatively new piece by the Australian group PNAU titled "Something Special." Somewhat of a dance rock anthem covering themes of empowerment and struggle, it plays into my thoughts today. Take a listen and see if you agree that we all need our something special. So here is the list:

Brianne
Steph
Sarah
Craig
Joanne
Joel
Brandon
Kelsey
Meredith
Leah
Megan
PJ
Jason
Mike
Jordan
DJ
Ben
Betsy
David
Jeff
Karla
Laura
Vanessa
Chelsey
Ken
Brandon

There are countless others that have also played a role, and if I left your name out, please understand I couldn't have a list of 300 people to read. I am able to keep posting today, to learn anew, and to be transformed on a regular basis all because of you. And I thank you.

Poor&Meek

I began this blog as a way for the few friends and family that would actually read my postings to follow my experiences during my internship in the Dominican Republic. Since then, the blog has sort of carried on as a public journal of my life. I suppose it hit me when I came home that I will have just as many transformative and profound events in my life as I did abroad. It really comes down to just how open I would be. The time and location really don't matter. Granted, abroad I tend to have a much more open mind to such transformative events, but no matter, the blog continued. The name was derived from the beatitudes in the Bible. I figured that my time abroad would require a stance of humility in order to understand those around me that would be poor and meek. I soon found out that I myself was poor in spirit and meek in power as well. And then I discovered that being poor and meek isn't a sign of weakness but of strength, and that I needed to live a life where I was constantly positioning myself in a stance of humility. Hence where this post comes into play.

Over the past few months I have gotten into many heated discussions regarding politics. I have become fed up with the Tea Party. I am tired of the Democrats. And the Republicans seem to annoy me more than my own brother (which is quite the feat). It is nothing but passive-aggressive rhetoric back and forth between the two parties and we haven't seen much progress over the last four years beyond learning that Boehner cries, Obama can't lead his own party, Paul Ryan listens to Rage Against the Machine, and Michelle Obama can wear some really pretty dresses. I would list the fact that Pelosi looks like she has had one too many Botox surgeries, but we have known that for a while. On the voter side, we have come to discover that most people vote on one issue. Two examples: 1) Gays love Obama despite his minimal backing of same sex marriage, and 2) there is a large group of angry voters trying to disrupt a system they never seemed to care about before nor ever understood. And so I have begun channeling my frustration towards the political system and all things Tea Party, Republican, and Democrat, onto people via heated discussions. I do have my opinions, but it is safe to say that no one really knows what my beliefs are, because no matter one's stance, I am constantly arguing against it. Why? Because we sit here and get spoon fed lies, twisted facts, and opinion. What about the truth? Where has it gone in our society?

But sadly, no one cares. We just want to hear or see the story that will invoke the strongest emotional response from us. I did not watch any of the RNC and didn't plan on watching any of the DNC, but happened to catch part of it last night. The speeches I saw had no substance. They invoked anger and passion against opponents. They drew upon emotional responses rather than presenting facts and plans and solutions to many of our nation's problems. I have read a few of the Republican speeches and can say the same for them. And what this boils down to is that each person speaking has some sort of motive. Well, no duh. But what is so stunning is that voters never ask themselves the very question they should be with each speech, debate, or ad: What is the motive behind this? Why is he/she saying that?

Do you think it was a coincidence that all of the major speeches for the RNC revolved around family, motherhood, and love? Why? Was it because the RNC is full of people who truly care for families and understand the average American? Not saying they don't but also not saying they do. Rather, the GOP was attempting to make Romney more "likeable." Why was it a common theme last night at the DNC to discuss the hardship of growing up poor and working hard to make a living? Because the Dems are attempting to capture a vote of confidence from the middle and low-income classes.

Call it jaded, but I am highly skeptical of any politician these days. But perhaps I should be. I should be questioning every single one of their motives on both sides. I should be diligent in my pursuit of the truth. I should doubt what I am told and make sure I find out the reality to the message being presented to me. I should assume that no politician is out to protect and support me. I am not saying they aren't, but that mindset will ensure that I don't fall into the rhetoric each one spews out and become the very zombie this nation has fought against. How has the country founded on individualism and diversity suddenly become a warring nation with two factions aiming to suppress any differing views or thoughts? When did we lose our vision as a country that was fought for 300 some years ago? As an American, my views should be valued and supported by others. My opinions should be heard with open ears, taken in and processed, and then either accepted or discarded.

That is what this country was founded on. The freedom and value in individualism. We have lost it. But we can win it back. It just requires people to take stances of humility. Become one that is poor in spirit and meek in heart. Become weak so that you may hear others, work together, and further a nation that was intended to be poor and meek from the start.

Dash of Will

I have given a lot of thought over the years to my actions. I am constantly trying to shift my emotions, my thoughts,  and my actions in ways to conform to what people expect of me. It is as if I am stuck in a never ending factory that is constantly molding me into some desired form. Yet once I have been completed, the scenario has changed and demand for a new model is much greater. It is like some torturous nightmare, but the one in control of the factory is me.

And so I think, for once, I am going ask myself to stop the cycle. For once, I am not going to mold anymore. I have found that as the years pass by I become a little more confident. And that confidence leads to more of a desire to be free of the pressures placed on me by society, family, friends, work, etc.

So I am not sorry for who I am. I don't apologize if I offend you. I don't think I need to explain myself to you anymore. I am who I am. I am part upbringing, a dash of arrogance mixed in with self doubt, a passion to fight, and a tasting of joy. I am going to be bold in my life. I will make decisions, certainly educated ones, but they will be decisions without regrets. I have gone far too long lingering on the past. What was said and done cannot be changed. So I am simplifying my life and stopping the over-analyzing.

A friend that has taught me more than he will ever realize said this to me last week in about the same words: "Why is it so wrong to be who you are? Stop worrying about how you act, accept it, and be it." After so many years of hating who I was and struggling with trying to accept just part of me, this is a huge uphill walk for me. And I am not talking about the pathetic self love our culture wants us to obtain. I don't want to be arrogant or narcissistic. But I do want to be more self aware, and I want to be okay with that.

I want to live a life that isn't full or regrets and caution about what others may think. I want to be hurt again, but hurt because I was bold. I want to be happy. But happy because I was aggressive. I want to be sad. But sad because I attempted something difficult. I want to be satisfied. Satisfied that I am who I am.

There is this one question that always lingers in the back of my head. Never nagging, it sort of just sits there and reminds me periodically.

What will people remember me for?


Is it my brashness? My quickness to anger? My wild emotions? My sociable personality? Or how about my willingness to try new things? I guess deep down this question really begs to tell me that I tend to care what other people think about me. But I really don't consider this a shallow social kind of worry. Because you really only need to get to know me over the course of a few hours to learn that I act and behave in ways that reflect a person who really could care less if you thought him odd, strange, goofy, awesome, angry, or all of the above. And it isn't arrogance either (though arrogant I am).

No, I think it is more a self-awareness. I worry because I understand that my actions can and do affect others. How I came about to this source of self-awareness is certainly debated in my head. But I think a lot of it has to do with how I have been affected greatly by other people's decisions.

Just this morning, in a stupor from a lack of sleep and slight hangovers, two of my best friends and I were discussing just how much we have changed since high school. How those that were the popular and well-known have almost become wallflowers and those that were wallflowers (us certainly not being wallflowers but carrying more traits in common with them) have almost become the prominent, outgoing, and well-known socialites. I used to be one to sit by, and react to things that happened to me. But when I suddenly discovered that it really didn't seem to work out in a favorable way, I made a change. I became proactive. I made decisions and choices. And I began to demand more from myself.

Be as it may, that also means I affect people more often now. And I need to be conscious of my actions and words. For if I sit here and make both positive and negative comments about how many have affected me greatly, I need to understand I do the same to others. I'm not talking about the stereotypical "set an example by not doing drugs, being athletic, going to bible study, etc." I am talking about a holistic approach that involves a life with conscious decisions and careful actions to reflect how I truly want to be reflected. For in reality, people remember me for being me. And I need to be the me I want to be.

Voice

What voice dictates your life? Where do you find the passion to speak? Is it out of anger, jealousy, sadness, hope, or none of the above? Take this observation from this evening. I was at the Apple store waiting for a friend to wrap up helping a customer when a man walked in. Greeted by the first employee, he said he wanteded to purchase a care plan for his iPad. He was directed off ahead to a fellow employee. I resumed passing time drooling over the slew of aluminum Macs in front of me. Starting to feel my nerves being rewired to force me to drop $1400 on something I really didn't need, I was thankfully saved by a fit of rage encroaching my right ear. I look up to see a group of Apple employees standing by the same man who was quite upset. For whatever reason, he was denied a care plan. He yelled, asking for corporate on the phone, saying he was mistreated and lied to. My first reaction? What an arrogant prick. How can he be upset that his $700 toy won't be covered from accidental damage when there are literally thousands each day eying from starvation, infectious diseases, and war? Then I had two immediate reactions. One, the obvious one that happens often, was realizing that I am in no place to judge. I have had my own White Whine moments. (One involving heavy drama over which MacBook I was to purchase. Pretty sure in the amount of time I stressed over that decision I could have built an entire school in Kenya). But I digress. The second reaction was this, his words come from some sort of emotion, as all of our words do. What if he was just an arrogant jerk? Or what if he had just bought this for his autistic son and was worried his boy might break it accidentally? What if he had just come from the courthouse, finishing up a settlement in a nasty divorce case? But beyond my reaction, it really got me thinking. Rather than focus on what I am saying, I need to ask myself from what emotion am I speaking these words? Because that is the root of it all. When I respond to a driver cutting me off, is it because I a, quick tempered or because there is an underlying frustration with being ignored and seen as second rate. If we truly want to change who we are, and how we react to situations, it is best not to see how we react to situations, but why. Is it out of jealousy or anger? Why did I flip that dumb Northern Virginia driver off? Why do I honk my horn when someone doesn't start off a green light fast enough? That is impatience, where is it coming from. We cannot free ourselves from our emotions until we have asked the tough questions. We cannot break away from emotions until we understand them. And when we finally understand the source if our emotions can we mature, level out, and start a life dictated by our decisions and not our fledgling hearts.

Country Road

I talk very, very fast. It is probably one of the first things people notice about me. Therapy years ago told me that it was because I struggled to feel as though I had a voice with my family. Sure, I lacked some serious confidence growing up. But now, I probably am way too overconfident. I am blunt and aggressive. No, I think now my mind is running a mile a minute, constantly contemplating, observing, remembering, forgetting, processing, well, you get the picture. A lot of times I find myself having to explain what I just stated to a group of friends, me being 30 seconds ahead in the conversation.


Okay, so we have established that I am crazy. But what does anyone else care? Either you have known for years, and if you didn't, it doesn't really matter. Because I have trouble slowing down. Life is quick for me. I get bored easily. And I grow tired just as fast. There are some positive outcomes from this. But there are also negative ones. I grow impatient. I begin to lose relationships merely because I get so distracted I fail to maintain contact. I also find myself with more anger. I speed more. I honk more. I get frustrated often.

My doctor told me the other day I had high blood pressure. Rest assured, it was because I was late for the appointment, had this whole ordeal getting to the office, and so I was stressed. Sure enough, a week later my blood pressure was fine. My stress levels obviously are affecting my health. And I get stressed because I live a quick life.

So it is time to slow down. Move over from the left lane. Heck, take that next exit and drive the country road. Granted, DC has no country roads, but you get the picture. Who cares if I can see 30 miles ahead? I have those next 30 miles to enjoy what will come. I will strengthen friendships and find myself in a much better place emotionally.

Sometimes, the country road is a better alternative. For me, the next few miles will certainly be on it.

Arena

The conversation had gone well so far. Aimless chatter, catching up, reminiscing about the past. It was cordial, casual, and good. The waiter came by, grabbed the clear plates and refilled my glass. I played with the condensation on the outside a little as the conversation hit a lull.

"Are you happy?"

My initial reaction was to go on the defensive, but I refrained from saying anything. If this were any other situation the question would seem amicable. But this was different. It was such a loaded question that implied so much. Passive aggressive, typical. I would have put up a serious fight any other time. But I had gotten out of bed at some god-forsaken hour to be here on time. I knew I was going to be exhausted all day so I wanted to save some energy for work.

I gave myself some time to think through a response. I had to be careful and diligent with my word choice. I couldn't seem taken aback or surprised - I am good at this game and I will win it. I must. The noise of Union Station began to creep into the diner as the rest of the city slowly woke up. Finally I knew what to say. It had seemed like an hour had passed when in reality it had only been but 15 to 20 seconds.

"Yes, I am happy" I tried to act surprised and imply that he shouldn't even be asking that question, why wouldn't I be? He seemed taken aback at first that I was so confident in my answer. I had turned the tables on him, and revealed his weakness. But I had shown my hand too early. This was just a feign with his left hand. It was a trap I fell into and had given it my all. Suddenly I was open and defenseless for his right hook.

"I wanted you to know that your mother and I don't respect your decision."

Dazed, struggling for words, this could not be the end. I needed to rebound, pull my right hand back and deliver some jab.

"I know, I never thought you did." Weak, and a parry.

"You had mentioned it before. We don't respect your decision. We allow you to make your own, as you are a grown man, but we don't respect it. And some day, you will see that you are not happy. You will come around and change your mind." Left handed hook right into my jaw. I could feel my bones slowly creaking from the pressure. Did my jaw just become dislocated?

"Ok, well that is good to know." Dammit, that was the biggest white flag I have ever flown before. I couldn't even hear the count for the K.O., it seemed to happen so quickly. Was there a mob outside the diner? All I can hear is some loud white noise filling my eardrums.

But this is just round 4 of many. You have won. I spent the rest of the day nursing my wounds, planning the next dance we will have. But we will have another. And I will be ready. But ultimately, in the end it doesn't matter. Because like any career, I can retire and move on. You may not, in fact, you probably won't. But once I have left the ring, you will be alone in the cold, empty arena, waiting for a fight that will never come. You can only fight so many times until one has had enough. And that isn't a surrender, it is being the adult and moving on from a fight that will never end. Enjoy that cold arena.

I need you to need me

I sometimes wonder if I bipolar disorder. One moment I am rushing ahead with a decision. The next either I deeply regret it or wish I had done something else. Other times I have taken up a new ultimatum. No more drinking. Work out everyday. Be single for an entire year. Apparently if I set  my mind to something, it has to be all or nothing, no less. Yet then I find myself ignoring said ultimatums or changing my mind. I can be hot or cold. But never lukewarm. Is it a sign of immaturity? I think not, rather just my personality. And in case anyone was wondering, the first sentence was intended to bring about slight humor. I don't need to see a psychiatrist.

But what I do need is to begin to accept these two sides of me. One of my favorite shows of all time is Misfits. It is hard and long to explain the concept, I recommend everyone head over to Hulu and watch the first season. Give it multiple episodes to grasp and fully enjoy. At any rate, one of the later episodes really hit me this past week. In it, a character has the bizarre "special power" where he has a second him. There are essentially two of him. Only the second form of him only comes out during dramatic and stressful events. For example, seeing a girl that really hurt him years ago will cause the second form of him to emerge. The one, hardened and sarcastic, keeps emotions from everyone. He uses jokes and immaturity to hide the second half of him, the one that only comes out during times of distress. The second half is emotional, honest, and "weak." It is obvious the two don't get along and fight constantly. It ends up that the two, after multiple events and arguments decide they are better off without each other. And then things really fall apart. -Spoiler!- It ends up that the "weak and emotional one" saves the life of the hardened supposedly stable form.

No, I am not trying to say that weakness prevails. But what I am trying to say is that most of us, no, all of us have two basic sides to ourselves. There is the strength we all have, then the desire to be emotional, honest, and "weak." And while many of us never want to be perceived as weak, the fact is that we need that side. Who would we be without emotion and honesty? Sure there have been times I've wanted to rid myself of one side or the other. But ultimately in the end I need both. I need the strength when things get tough. And I need the openness and honesty when things get tough. I can use both sides in any combination or balance.

The acceptance that both are sources of strength and problems, and they need to be applied appropriately to our lives in any situation.

Focus on Dreams

It is funny how we can wrapped on one issue so much. We can lose focus so quickly on what is important in life. Well, at least I can. I used to use the excuse that I needed to focus on the realistic parts of my life and give up on my "unruly dreams."

What are dreams, if they are not dreamt?

And dreaming does not necessarily mean that one is losing focus on the reality of life. In fact, I would argue that dreaming is the reality of life. We use our dreams to set goals, escape from harsh realities, make connections, and understand this crazy world of ours. Some may say that this post is a product of my upbringing by the liberal hippies or yore, the previous generation that taught us to "do whatever we dared" and to "reach for the stars." I don't believe any of that crap. I think that takes the idea of motivation too far. It gives people a false sense of confidence and an expectation of great things, when in fact, great things are great things when they are unexpected. But I do understand the importance of valuing pure motivation through passion. Take my own life as an example.

I went to Messiah College to major in International Business, which I did. However, I planned on leaving Messiah finding a job with a consulting firm and making lots and lots of money, travel the world, and live abroad. A lot of that is certainly my passion still. Yet, I left college with a much different focus. I suddenly had unearthed a passion for the poor. Economic development was a new shift in focus. It certainly fit in with International Business, but was nothing I had ever dreamt of finding a desire to understand and work in. And now I have this grand dream that I will save people from poverty. I will help hundreds if not thousands in learning to bring themselves up on their own two feet. Will that happen? Not necessarily, and I don't imagine myself earning a Nobel Peace Prize anytime soon. I still have the dream, but my expectations are not some grandiose unrealistic hope. That is the difference. And so I haven't lost focus. I am focusing on what is important in my life: my passions and my dreams.

And if I keep that dream alive, with no expectations beyond a little hope, I can succeed. At what? I have no idea. I have no pretenses about my life. But that is how great things happen.

I don't want to be a Millenial

A funny thing happened today. I was confronted with myself and I didn't like it. Let me back track just a little. Back in college I took a class focusing on the roles of men and women in American society. Fascinating stuff. But what was more fascinating was a book we read entitled "Generation Me" with some stupid long subtitle below that I can't remember and am too lazy to look up. The book focuses on how our generation has grown up coddled, supported, told to do anything we dream, and utterly selfish.

Millenials. young, sexy, smart, and professional

But not I. I was a good Christian boy, who behaved, did as he was told, and worked very very hard. I had  (or will) worked up the ranks at a local orchard, starting out as a simple part time helper at 13 to be manager of 130+ people at the age of 18. I didn't complain, never had much handed to me, and wasn't always one that had to get his way.

Yet, today at work, I didn't get my way. And the first thing I did? Complain and moan how it wasn't fair. I wasn't getting the affirmation of how well I was doing that I deserved. Literally, I sounded just like those in that book I was morbidly embarrassed for. Was I a Millenial?* Had I become the very person I had detested in that book so much? I have only been at this job for 10 months. How could I expect anything at this point? But I was.

Makes me miss the 90s. Except for Pulp Fiction.

And yet, fear not, I am not necessarily a Millenial. Because as the fear began to sweep over my brain. As I worried I was going to be a wortlhless punk the rest of my life, I remembered one thing. Consumerism, marketing, and psychology are at their peak. There has never been a time before now where people were studied so closely. And I think that book I read was right in describing my generation. But my generation is full of young adults. YOUNG. We should be slightly selfish, immature, and rude. We don't know better. I am not talking about how 3 year olds act. And I doubt our generation acts anymore worse than Gen Xers or Baby Boomers. Rather we are the first to be put under a serious microscope.

Those feelings I had? Completely "normal" in the sense that this is my first time in a corporate setting. I am only 23. I don't know better. The difference, however, and what will separate the leaders in our generation are those that can recognize this is a learning opportunity and take every chance they get to grow from mistakes and situations. For example, at one point today I was utterly disappointed and frustrated sitting right in front of my boss. Granted, he was right. But I wanted to say something. And yet, I didn't. I nodded my head, stuffing my emotions in my stomach, and told him thank you as clearly and confidently as I could. And it worked. I haven't lost the respect of my boss, I still respect him (now more than ever) and I have learned a great lesson in superiority.

So I am a Millenial. And I am damned proud to be one. Because people are saying we are ignorant, selfish, and lack motivation. Let us prove them wrong and show them their views are premature and wrong. Sounds like immature thoughts there, if I say so myself. Who is the one that needs to grow up here?




*Millenial is a term used to describe our generation, that is those born in the 80s and early 90s

Locoemotion

It seems as though I only post when things aren't as they should be. Well, rather, things aren't as I want them to be. Certainly it is easier to journal and write when you are depressed. But depression only brings on despair. And despair is not what one wants to read each night.

No, I am not depressed. Yet I have suddenly been confronted with a harsh reality. I am not where I want to be. Part of me wants to blame the shit that has happened in my life over the last 12 months on my own poor decisions and lack of pursuing what I was truly passionate about. But that would be naive and downright stupid. Having grown up Christian I learned that many in this faith believe that God has a plan for your life. I am not going to argue theology here, but they would go so far as to say that he would place obstacles and repercussions from your actions in order to ensure that his plan would ultimately succeed. I don't believe that for one second. And so, despite having ignored a passion in my life, the ills in my life over the past year have not been because God is punishing me. Nor have they been because I made a "wrong" decision. And it is most certainly not because God is slowly playing his hand, getting me onto the right track.

Rather, it is a more passive stance. He has set rules and laws to this world. Chance. It is through chance that he "controls" us. If I chose to sleep with someone that has HIV, does God actively step in and insure I get infected? No. But he has set it up so that in the DC area alone, 1 in 8 adults is HIV positive. He set it up so that the chance of getting infected varies on protection, health, etc. Nor does he ever step in and stop things from happening. So were I to sleep with someone who is positive, me not contracting HIV would not be because I am a good and loyal Christian.

I am not in control. And neither is God. And because of that, my life has been hell. And it will not be until I can accept that I am not in control that this torment become resolute. It is an endless search for me. No, for us all. How can we find control and stability in a world where our supposed Creator has no control? Why would a God so powerful create such a world and then let it loose to the very laws and movements he first created?

Because it is through all this "shit" of the past 12 months that I am learning what it means to live. I no longer go through motions unassuming. I no longer accept the norm. I am slowly finding passion in a life I never knew could have passion. My senses are slowly awaking from what seems like 20+ years of sleep. Like the development of a child, protected in his mother's womb, away from the world, preparing for that first moment - the rush of sensation: light, sound, smell, pain, warmth, cold; here I am beginning to understand what it means to truly feel. My life is finally my own and no one else's. I have no parents to make decisions, teachers to influence me, no one else to bear my responsibility. And that makes every moment that much more exhilarating, important, intimidating, and passionate.

That is where I want to be. The location, the job, the salary, those don't matter. But if I am not living with such passion and emotion as to be alive, then I am nothing but a blade of grass amongst millions.

I Am Sorry

I am sorry for what I have done. I have lied. I have cheated. I have scorned. I have mocked. I have been resentful. I have been angry.

But I am not sorry for who I am. And if you cannot accept that, then be gone. I cannot change who I am. And if you have lied to me, if you have been untruthful. If you have hurt me in ways I am slowly beginning to understand. Then shame on you. Be up front. And tell me. Do not desert me. That hurts more than brunt rejection.

I'd rather be told I am unwanted then deserted.

But deserted I am not. For despite your intentions, I am a fully capable being, full of love and compassion for those I trust. It takes a while for me to trust, and yet here I am trusting those around me. Why you did what you did, I will never know. But it hurt more than most before you. Yet I still have those around me who guide me, strengthen me, and teach me. And that is all that matters. And they make me who I am.

So I am sorry for what I have done. But I am not sorry for who I am.

"Look up, be not discouraged. Trust on whatever befall. Remember, oh remember, thy Savior knows it all"

First Time Clarity

For the first time in my life, I can freely say I am no longer afraid. Well, that isn't entirely true. There are still things I fear in life. But for the first time, I am not afraid to be my own man. To make my own decisions. And not fear what potential consequences there are from those decisions.

I can't honestly say I came to this point by choice. Rather, I was hit the reality of the consequences of one of my decisions, a repercussion I will now bear for the rest of my life. But instead of cowering down, giving in, and letting go, I stood over it. I conquered what has conquered me for so long. For the first time, a setback was no longer a setback. It became something that ignited me. Made me stronger, and made me more willing to make even more decisions.

Take the picture above. See the clarity in it? Sure, the background is such a blur. That is what we focus on first. And that is what I have been focusing on for the majority of my life. But look at the condensation on the window. See how clear each individual droplet is? Thousands of them, clear as a bright summer's morning. When the storm comes and rain falls; when I am hit hard and knocked down. Looking at the background, what I tend to focus on first, is overwhelming and blurry. Looking at what is right in front of me, seeing the intricate clarity of my life and situation, that is what is consoling and empowering.

I fear no more, because I look for those droplets in everything. And clarity abounds.

Twenty Two

I am twenty two years old. That is 11,531,520 passing minutes. Or 1,144 weekends. Or 1,144 terrible Monday mornings I have forced myself to get up and look forward to the coming 1,144 Fridays I have. And I feel so old, especially when put in those terms. Yet I am so young.

I may only be 22. But I have more regrets than most 50 year olds. I have seen more, been afflicted on numerous occasions, been lied to, been promised, been loved, been a lot of things. But regret seems to be the most often emotion I have felt. I tend to feel like a pioneer and thus choose my own path. Probably why I find myself regretting a lot in my life rather than celebrating.

Or maybe I should be celebrating those regrets? Many people look at my life with disappointment. To you, I say, look at your disappointment and celebrate it. Others look at my life and ask the obtuse question "Why?" I turn to you, and ask back, "Why not?"

I may be just 22, and maybe my 11,531,520 minutes pales in comparison to those at 80 who have 41,932,800 moments. But I can rightfully say that in my 11+ million, I have owned who I am, and what I have done. I have screwed up. I have been screwed. I have hurt people. I have been ripped apart at the seams by others. But never have I ever looked to fault others for my life. If my decision has caused others to hurt me, or me hurt them, I accept responsibility. If my decision affects others, I am sure to make note, and either pursue the path or change course.

I regret a lot. But I revel in the fact that my regrets are because I am not afraid. Not afraid to choose, to mold my own life. To be who I am.

I am. And I don't regret that in the least.