I need you to need me

I sometimes wonder if I bipolar disorder. One moment I am rushing ahead with a decision. The next either I deeply regret it or wish I had done something else. Other times I have taken up a new ultimatum. No more drinking. Work out everyday. Be single for an entire year. Apparently if I set  my mind to something, it has to be all or nothing, no less. Yet then I find myself ignoring said ultimatums or changing my mind. I can be hot or cold. But never lukewarm. Is it a sign of immaturity? I think not, rather just my personality. And in case anyone was wondering, the first sentence was intended to bring about slight humor. I don't need to see a psychiatrist.

But what I do need is to begin to accept these two sides of me. One of my favorite shows of all time is Misfits. It is hard and long to explain the concept, I recommend everyone head over to Hulu and watch the first season. Give it multiple episodes to grasp and fully enjoy. At any rate, one of the later episodes really hit me this past week. In it, a character has the bizarre "special power" where he has a second him. There are essentially two of him. Only the second form of him only comes out during dramatic and stressful events. For example, seeing a girl that really hurt him years ago will cause the second form of him to emerge. The one, hardened and sarcastic, keeps emotions from everyone. He uses jokes and immaturity to hide the second half of him, the one that only comes out during times of distress. The second half is emotional, honest, and "weak." It is obvious the two don't get along and fight constantly. It ends up that the two, after multiple events and arguments decide they are better off without each other. And then things really fall apart. -Spoiler!- It ends up that the "weak and emotional one" saves the life of the hardened supposedly stable form.

No, I am not trying to say that weakness prevails. But what I am trying to say is that most of us, no, all of us have two basic sides to ourselves. There is the strength we all have, then the desire to be emotional, honest, and "weak." And while many of us never want to be perceived as weak, the fact is that we need that side. Who would we be without emotion and honesty? Sure there have been times I've wanted to rid myself of one side or the other. But ultimately in the end I need both. I need the strength when things get tough. And I need the openness and honesty when things get tough. I can use both sides in any combination or balance.

The acceptance that both are sources of strength and problems, and they need to be applied appropriately to our lives in any situation.