Washing Machine

There are so many things I want to write right now. I am inundated with a wild mix of emotions that I can't seem to control. They are whirling inside me like a washing machine. Random ones come up to the top then spin back down only to reappear at a later time. One moment I am happy. The following I am depressed. Anger will flow up out of nowhere. Frankly, it is tiring. Because on top of all of this I am forced to move on as if everything is okay. But it isn't. And it damn sure isn't fair that I have to pretend like it is. Is this what being an adult is like? Because I feel like a thirteen year old tween girl going through her first PMS session.

I always wonder if I do a good job hiding my emotions. Is it a tight lid I have on that washing machine of mine? Or is the lid flopping open as the suds pour down the sides in all directions. Am I leaving a trail behind me that people can follow and see the random changes in colors? First blue suds that fade away to green and then to red. Something is clearly out of balance causing everything to escape. And I wish I could say it was just one thing. But there are so many factors in my life right now contributing to this carousel of feelings. Round and round I go, what emotions come up I will never ever know. What is powering this carousel? Family, work, bills, friends, alcohol, sex, TV, housing, which basically means everything.

But I will prevail. It sucks in this moment, but I can remember moments just as dark. And here I am, able to remember those moments. Some day in the future that washing machine will balance out. Things will cycle at a normal pace and I won't have to keep a lid on all that is swirling inside because it will be the regular machine it should be. We all get out of balance periodically in our lives. Sometimes it feels as though everything has been tilted on its head. But no matter now many suds or their color that comes leaking out, in the end things right and the cycle moves on.