conFESSional: Age

I have written many posts regarding my age. I always say how much I have learned or just how mature I am. To be honest, for the last few years I have had an arrogance around me that I was mature, ready to take on the world, and what mistakes I made weren't all that bad. But because of that attitude, I look back and see just how reckless many of my decisions were. I was arrogant, selfish, rude, blunt, and all in ways I didn't have to be. No, I am not trying to beat myself up over it, but it really hit me over the last two weeks.

I am not sure what brought it on, but I began to reflect on past decisions, both recent and old. And as I remembered in detail the thought process or my actions, I see so many things that I did wrong. They are things I also didn't realize I had done incorrectly up until now. Which made me realize: I am young. More than I ever imagined. I am just 23. Sure, to a 18 year old or a senior in college that seems old. Yes, I was renting my own apartment at the age of 22. Yes, I graduated college almost 3 years ago. But I am not 50. I haven't worked in an office for 15 years. I don't know what Washington, DC was like back in 1985 much less 2001. I can't tell you what the hottest styles were back in 1991. I really haven't lived. Despite all that I have said. So my confession this week is my arrogance towards my age.

I. Don't. Know. Anything. Really. I have hurt many people, frustrated others, and angered some because of my belief that I had it all and couldn't possibly make a major mistake. Seldom did I, over the past year, think of others. And no, I am not being overdramatic. This is a blog post, so lets focus in on the issue at bay. So yes, I have been selfless at times this year. It is as if over the last two weeks a veil has lifted and I have seen what I have done that affected others. I knew they were "good" decisions for me, but I failed to recognize that they may have been "bad" decisions for others.

But with all my confessionals here, past (just one!) and future (there will be many), there is always something positive to be had from it. And that is I am moving forward being observant of the chain reaction my decisions have. And also recognizing that there are others in this world, in my life, that matter. It started this weekend: rather than booze it up, try and meet someone, eat McDonald's at 3am and then regret it all the next day, I went and spent the weekend with my parents and my 93 year old grandmother. She lost her son last November, and before I lose her, I want to spend every chance I get with her. Death has a funny hold on us (possible post later? mebbe) and it certainly has been a large part of the thinking behind this confessional.

So I confess my arrogance. I confess how my actions have failed to take into consideration others. But I celebrate my ability to recognize it and now work towards ensuring I have mostly positive effects on those that I care and love.