Missed Connection: Truth and reality

...if I even had an ounce of courage to do so. You see, I've made a complete fool of myself in your eyes. I either tried too hard, or didn't try hard enough to convey to you how much I love you; the happiness I feel when we talked, and especially when we saw each other. Your spell over me is quite heavy, as I feel it just as much if not even more now. Yes, even after not seeing each other in over 6 months, and not talking the last few months. I either totally scared you away, or totally repulsed you. Probably the latter, honestly. And I'm completely embarrassed and mortified about that. 

It wasn't your fault. My feelings for you are so powerful, I didn't know how to express them. I remember saying that if we didn't work out, that I could acknowledge that and still be your friend. But I couldn't. Not after knowing you were giving your attention to someone else. I'd already known that, but the written words crumbled my world. I'd made an utter fool of myself in your eyes, and there was nothing I could do about it. Nothing I could say that could change your mind. 

I apologize for not keeping my end of the bargain and remaining an active friend to you. But you'd have to feel what I'm feeling, just for 5 minutes, to fully understand how devastated I've been feeling. I can't even talk to you and treat you as a friend, I'm so ashamed. I hope you can understand this. I also wish you knew how nothing has changed for me regarding you. I still love you and cherish you with all that I have in me. Even more so since we've been apart. I ache for you. I wanted you... in every aspect of life. My best friend, a passionate lover....a partner in everything. I'd still want that, but I can only bring myself to speak to you in my thoughts/fantasies, and pour out my heart to your ghost lying in my arms at night, because that's safe...I can't get hurt that way. But the oxymoron of that is that I do hurt more. 

Perhaps I'll save this letter, and rehearse it. Maybe even memorize it. Aw, f**k it, I'm better at winging it anyway. But perhaps one day I'll see you. And perhaps I'd get to say these words I've typed here to your beautiful face. I really would like to. Holding back a love like this is like trying to hold back a tsunami with an umbrella. I love you...always, Beautiful lady..always.