I am my own best mentor*

Why is it that we can be the best advice for others yet chose to act like a little child standing there in front of you, red faced yelling "LA LA LA" with their ears plugged by respective index fingers? My best friend Gypsy and I joke all the time as we talk about the ways of life about how we never listen to the advice that we give each other. And it seems I have been that little child so many times over the past few months.

But the funny thing is what happened as a result of it all. I have been in a little funk of no one's doing and I couldn't seem to shake it. Until I had an open and honest conversation with a good friend that it hit me like a brick wall. No, make that cement. Suddenly I could recall the countless times in the past I had given this certain strain advice to others. Literally, saw past events flashing by, as if someone had taken a recording of me making a mistake over and over again and forcing me to watch it for hours. And while it took me a few moments to digest it as I walked away and contemplated what had been spoken both physically and mentally, I suddenly felt this emotion of sadness lifted. Why?

I was suddenly free of this inwardly-focused state of mind and could take things from the proper perspective. I saw the good in the situation. I could see the potential there. And it excited me. I could see how I had been challenged in this situation. And I could see the positive outcome that had already come from it and just how much I had changed in just a few short months. And that is a good thing.

So now I need to go forward and unplug those ears, stop yelling as loud as I can to overcome that voice, and listen to the advice I can give myself. Because I know a thing or two it seems.


*full disclaimer: as some don't get my humor, there is sarcasm in the title and last line or two.. maybe just a little...

Clarity

I thought each year of age brought about more clarity and certainty. But I am beginning to see just how naive that idea is. In just the few weeks of turning a quarter century it seems I've found myself in more quandaries than not.

I suppose it deals with the fact that as you get older you begin to become more self aware. In fact, I'd wager that it isn't until your 20s, when you are finally faced with full responsibility of your life, do you begin to actually understand things you say and do. Your perception of yourself increases.

Sadly, for me, I've seen on numerous occasions over the past few months where I have become self-aware in the midst of different situations. And in many cases it appears to be too late. I get that hindsight before it becomes hindsight but after it could have been perception of what was to unfold. And the majority of times I could have made different choices that could have prevented, or even encouraged, behaviors.

What's all this to say? Nothing really. It is merely an observation of the transformative years I have been through and will move into. I suppose it is also an expression of frustration. Frustration because it seems my heart and mind are disconnected but slowly on a path to reconnect as I become more and more self aware. And until that happens, that dissonance will be an issue. 

Walls

There comes a time in your life periodically when you must answer to the decisions you made. I cannot explain why the results of choices can be so delayed, but they are quite frequently. Be it a mere hour after your choice or 6 months or even 10 years after the fact.

And sometimes when you are forced to face with the repercussions, either good or bad, it comes in small doses. Often you are eased into the result. But what seems to be the most frequent way to come across this need to answer to your choices is to be hit in a way that feels like running into a brick wall. One where the builder took the time to make sure each brick was in solid formation and no air gaps existed between the next. And it just happens to be the one time you decide to charge full steam ahead, running, gasping for air as your body reacts to the sudden physical push forward. Your legs ache, your lungs ache more, and as your start to sweat small beads down your forehead the wall appears out of nowhere.

The next thing you know you have a massive pounding in your head. The world slowly comes around with the colors taking their normal hue, sounds that were muffled begin to slowly harden to clearer strands, and your mind begins to clear and remember what just happened. Then you have to struggle to overcome the aches in your body to push yourself up. You groan a little with your body as it struggles to gain its footing. And then you begin to limp off.

No correlation seems to exist between the apparent size of the decision that had been made and the scope of the repercussion. I have made small and seemingly minute decisions that have built walls 5 feet thick, 100 feet tall, and ten miles long. Yet I have made decisions that altered my course in life that contain walls but 4 feet high and even some that are wooden that one can merely hurdle over.

Yet the takeaway from all of this isn't confusion or an understanding that decisions cause repercussions of all sizes and varying lengths. No, the takeaway is the despite the hardness of the wall, the resiliency of the human spirit prevails. We continually get up, ignore the aches, brush off our clothes and start the run again.

Back in Business

So I am back. It has been a while, but it is time to start this back up. I look at the past 6/7 months as a break from a lot. I took a break from drinking and partying. A break from heavy socializing. A break from interaction. It was 6 months that I needed to myself. So much happened that I don't think I could really handle much externally. And that is a good thing. But with a major change happening in my life in just 8 days, I think it is time for me to open up again.

Photo Credit: Judy van der Velden

I have moved twice. I am changing jobs. I have a new nephew. I made the decision to stick to my city (DC) and to make something of my life here. Which is a huge step for me. Because I usually run. I usually get bored or scared of being too tied down, and yet I decided to stay, at least for a few more years. This has been the longest I have stayed in one city in 4 years. And it has been almost two here in the DC area. And the biggest change of them all? I chose to spend the last 6 months dedicated to spending time with those close to me. I saw my 93 year old grandmother three times in just the past few weeks alone. I gave up some parties here in DC, time with my 20 something socialites, to spend with a woman who has lost one of her sons and could pass away at any time. Morbid? Not at all. I don't fear death. I don't necessarily embrace it either, but it is a part of life, and should be celebrated.

Now is the time for me to be focused again externally. I took time off to focus on myself. To be reflective and give myself time to process what had happened over the previous 12 months. Because no one told me that your early 20s were perhaps the most transformative time ever. Certainly my 30s will be even more so, as will the 40s and 50s, but I wasn't prepared. And that isn't a bad thing. But I needed to pause, breathe, and prepare for the next few years.

And looking back on the last 2 years, I have changed so much. I am slower to react, more patient, and also more daring. I have more respect for others, and I am attempting to be more intentional with my relationships. And I have learned to be happier in all situations. That is the hardest for me. I find myself too easily falling into a thought process of negative emotions when there is so much joy and good around me. My latest move is a perfect example. I moved from DC to the 'burbs of Maryland. Which, ironically enough, there is a higher population density where I live now then when I was in DC. But numbers aside, I hated it at first. I had no friends here. Work is further for me. And it isn't the District.

But then, one day, I read on a local blog that one of my favorite DC restaurants was opening up a location here. Then I found out my new eye doctor was right around the corner. And that everything was just 5 minutes walking distance from my apartment. There are concerts on Friday evenings right around the block. And I do have some friends nearby and could make more. I slowly began to discover the good things about the area. I had been so dismissive, so quick to judge my new home, that I failed to even recognize the good here. Good that already exists and good through potential challenges that will change me, like making new friends.

So what other areas have I dismissed in my life? Honestly? My weight/body. My personality. My financial situation and job. And my relationships. Which is why it is so fitting that this post is the first back from my unplanned break. I am back in business with this blog. But I am also reopening my thoughts to anyone that cares to read. To encourage personal reflection through my honesty.

I am flipping that sign in the window, lifting up the shades, letting the sunlight in, dusting off the interior, sweeping the floors, polishing it up and getting ready for a brand new rush.

Carousel

Agony. That is the first word that comes to mind right now. Well, that and frustration. Frustration that it isn't fair. It always comes up at the most inopportune times. I am supposed to be happy right now. Things really couldn't be better for me. I have a bright future ahead of me. I am living with one of my best friends in the entire world. I have a group of loving and supportive people around me. And I have come to perhaps one of the most exciting revelations about my life this month. I have conquered much and learned even more. And I know there is so much more to learn and conquer.

So why now? Why at 10:30 at night when I am trying to fall asleep and still my heart does this come? It isn't like I have avoided this up until now. Sure, there are times I push it down and procrastinate. But I have attempted to process through these emotions before. Besides, I didn't ask for them. These aren't emotions resulting from my own poor decisions. I was taken advantage of and now am left to pick up the pieces and hope I can fit them back together. But just like any shattered piece of glass, there are always those small tiny pieces you never can find again.

I am tired of waking up and dreading another day. I haven't dealt with this in many months. I am tired. But most of my exhaustion isn't from the emotions. It is from the frustrating carousel I am stuck on. Round and round I go, up and down and with each slow rotation I am confronted with my past again and again. It is like a sick sideshow for someone else to watch. And I know of two people who were the ones to force me onto this tormenting ride. And they walked away, completely unaffected. Hell, I doubt they even know just how much they affected me. Nights that I wake up in terror from nightmares. How my skin crawls at simple body contact. How the idea of someone coming from behind me terrifies me. How there can be so much joy in my life, but mere memories consume my mind and paralyze me in so many ways.

Sure, call me a baby. Tell me I am being over dramatic. I don't care. Few people know or understand what I am going through. I have written about all of this before and while it may sound like a broken record and it may frustrate you to read this again, imagine what it is it like for me. I am tired of the memories. I am tired of the anger. I am tired of the fear. I want to move on. I want to break free of this. I want to be normal again. I want that part of my life back. I want to be happy.

/////google search: catz

 Adorbz

Gurlz luv catz

I know her username on Plenty of Fish: catluvr72

Monday Morning Wakeup

Sometimes my entire week feels like this. What a trooper.

Metro Etiquette One oh One

The metro is not your personal bedroom. And girl, I have seen you on a many occasion. I know we all have had some desire to snooze on the train much less a car. But tell me, if there aren't any beds, what makes you think you can power nap on your way home from work? Long day? We have all been there. Exhausted about your three children at home? Children are a choice, use protection. Unless your excuse is one too many at happy hour or it is past 11:00pm and your BAC is over .1%, you need to keep that chin up and carry on. Besides, how the hell am I supposed to get out at my stop without touching you?

100

This is post #100. 100 is a cause for celebration right? This won't be some congratulatory post. This also won't be some reflective piece on this blog, which has most certainly taken a form much different than I ever expected. No, it is more a post congratulating you, the reader, for reading incessant rants regarding family, hardship, emotions, and more. Boy, if I were you I would have moved on long ago.

But to the 2 of you that read this blog, this must be one of the most strenuous relationships you have ever had. I don't maintain but a few good friendships, I find relationships can be boring and mundane. Only those that excite me are ones I pursue (that may become a later post). Only ones that push my boundaries are ones that I attempt to continue. So, if this blog does that for you, by all means, continue reading. Perhaps there will be 100 more to come.

My hope isn't to provide a voyeuristic take on a young adult male's attempts at understanding life. My hope is that my openness will be enough to inspire others to stop ignoring those rumblings inside and acknowledge that they exist and need to be dealt with, both the bad and good.

Speaking of good, I am thinking this blog will begin to take a more positive tone to it. So here we go to the next 100.



////ps: googling 100 brings up some interesting results:

My fear is one day I will live in a town like this 

India's version of a Kardashian? Can't be, she is missing a unibrow.

100 lies a minute? Is that how this came up? Maybe 100% blonde female anchors with nose and boob jobs?

The DDP of 2013

I'm not one that finds New Years to be that great of a holiday. While I enjoy any excuse to drink incessant amounts of alcohol as much as the next person, the idea of "resolutions" always bothered me. Why do you have to wait until a new year to begin anew? Can't you change during the year? So while I don't have any "resolutions for the New Year" per say, I will reflect on what I have taken away from the last year:

I blame my current fascination with expensive tequila on one gypsy I know all too well.

Diligence in relationships - for two consecutive falls I have witnessed one of my own family leave this world quite suddenly. As if the first time wasn't enough in 2011, 2012 certainly has taught me it is time to be intentional in my relationships - be it family, friends, or even enemies. I am going to devote more time to others inside or outside the district.

Perseverance - I  have had many a setback in my brief life, but none so affected by my own actions this year. But that isn't a negative thing, or so I learned in 2012. A setback is merely a test of character and will. Perseverance through those troubling times has brought about a new respect for life and others.

Openness to different - this honestly has been coming for quite some time, but finally culminated quite literally overnight into the new year. For the first 23 1/2 years of my life I have listened to what I believed were the norms for one's life. And there are so many around us that I have viewed almost as inferior because they chose not to follow the paths the world expected them to take. (Needless to say, I expect 2013 to be quite a drastic year for me because of this). The greatest example for me is the community that calls themselves "hipsters." We all love to scoff at their lifestyle, but if you take the time to experience it, you can see it isn't some bohemian style or lazy undertaking. It is just different. And different is good.

---

I am excited for what is to come this year. Based on what I have taken away from 2012, I cannot imagine how that will play into my life's choices. It will be different, diligent, and involve perseverance. What a great combination.

Fighter

The human spirit is resilient, but only if you let it be. Each day I find that life can, and does, get harder and harder if you allow it to. And we should. We make bigger and bigger mistakes. Wrongs continue to happen. The pain gets deeper and deeper. Issues come up we never expected to deal with before. But the payout from all of that is far greater than one could imagine. This isn't some feel good post. Because I know that possibly tomorrow some hardship may come your way. But this also isn't some post to console you. I don't want it to. Consolation can only come from those that understand. This is more encouragement to do the right thing in times of struggle. Fight it. Don't let the struggle overcome. But don't run either.

Struggle builds character. Character leads to maturity. And maturity leads to a life where one understands all around them. I purposefully surround myself with those that are self aware. Eating disorders, former drug problems, a severe lack of confidence, selfishness, arrogance, and even anger abound amongst my friends. I am attracted to those that are open with their struggles. An openness about it means an acknowledgement of their struggle which builds that all important character. It also provides deeper and more meaningful relationships.


I have had my fair share of good relationships over the years, but for the first time in my life, I don't run out of numbers to call by the time someone picks up in my time of need. That isn't to brag, but to encourage you to be open. Stand up to your struggles face first, be prepared to fight, and be open about it. Let those you trust around you see what your fight is today, tomorrow, and in five years. I can say this now because in the last week I was confronted with the option to run or to confront. Because I was open and sought the advice of those I trust, I made the right choice. I am fighting with all I have in the best way possible. And while things aren't perfect and may not be for a while, for the first time in two weeks I have never felt lighter. I have never felt more purposeful or closer and in touch with my life. That is worth fighting for in any situation, no matter how difficult.




There goes a fighter.

Family

What is family? Who are family? I have been struggling with this issue a lot lately and mainly because over the last year I have chosen to ignore problems that were arising in my own biological family.

Family, to me, is the group of people you surround yourself by, biological or not, that love you unconditionally. This doesn't mean that they don't have expectations for you. This also doesn't mean you are always right with them. Unconditional love doesn't necessarily mean you can do no harm or wrong. But you run a fine line trying to be supportive but also corrective. I can tell you from personal experience on many occasions that my own family (whomever that may be) has crossed the line into being too corrective. Someone in my family once told me that each family has its own set of morals and expectations. Problems arise within the family when one member chooses not to follow those expectations and boundaries. While I understand what was trying to be explained, I think in this last week I have come to realize what was truly meant.

A family member is no more when they chose to no longer love those unconditionally in the family. A perfect example: recently I was hurt deeply by one in my family. Words cannot fathom how difficult the days following the incident were. And over time that pain turned to anger, and suddenly anger was turning to rejection. I had no desire to be a part of this family any longer. But it wasn't until I received sound advice and had time to ponder what had happened that I realized I was beginning to not love my family unconditionally. No matter what had been done or said, no matter how hurtful or hypocritical, were I to shut down and divorce myself from the family I would no longer be loving them unconditionally. The rift that was occurring wasn't happening because of any choices I had made. It wasn't happening because rules or boundaries were being broken, nor because expectations were set too high. No, it was happening because both sides had stopped loving the other unconditionally. No matter who "committed it first" the sin was ours to bear together. And were neither of us to acknowledge that then there would have been a great divorce. So ugly and so painful I'd like not to think on it.

But if a group of people or a person is considered family to you, than no matter what, you will love them unconditionally. You will fight for a relationship no matter what mistakes or hurtful things are said or done. You will not give up. Because giving up is not loving unconditionally. And not loving unconditionally means you are not family.

Washing Machine

There are so many things I want to write right now. I am inundated with a wild mix of emotions that I can't seem to control. They are whirling inside me like a washing machine. Random ones come up to the top then spin back down only to reappear at a later time. One moment I am happy. The following I am depressed. Anger will flow up out of nowhere. Frankly, it is tiring. Because on top of all of this I am forced to move on as if everything is okay. But it isn't. And it damn sure isn't fair that I have to pretend like it is. Is this what being an adult is like? Because I feel like a thirteen year old tween girl going through her first PMS session.

I always wonder if I do a good job hiding my emotions. Is it a tight lid I have on that washing machine of mine? Or is the lid flopping open as the suds pour down the sides in all directions. Am I leaving a trail behind me that people can follow and see the random changes in colors? First blue suds that fade away to green and then to red. Something is clearly out of balance causing everything to escape. And I wish I could say it was just one thing. But there are so many factors in my life right now contributing to this carousel of feelings. Round and round I go, what emotions come up I will never ever know. What is powering this carousel? Family, work, bills, friends, alcohol, sex, TV, housing, which basically means everything.

But I will prevail. It sucks in this moment, but I can remember moments just as dark. And here I am, able to remember those moments. Some day in the future that washing machine will balance out. Things will cycle at a normal pace and I won't have to keep a lid on all that is swirling inside because it will be the regular machine it should be. We all get out of balance periodically in our lives. Sometimes it feels as though everything has been tilted on its head. But no matter now many suds or their color that comes leaking out, in the end things right and the cycle moves on.

Final Round

And so it happened again. But this fight wasn't fair from the start. I wasn't prepared for what was going to happen. And the blow this time, it was a surefire KO. You were so sneaky with it too. I had no idea it was coming. Hidden behind a swath of parries and false jabs it left me clear and open for the taking. I definitely felt my entire body crush under the blow. I have been hit hard before, but never like this. This was personal, this was intimate. My body slammed to the floor. Blood and sweat dripped from my lower lip. I tried to focus but everything was fading in and out, spinning around. And that ache. My whole body was on fire in pain from the blow. Or was it the humiliation of what had just happened?

I felt as though all eyes were on me. Inquisitive looks gave away the thoughts everyone was trying to hide... Is he going to make it? Was this it? It had been such a long and drawn out fight that it certainly couldn't be over this quickly. I put my gloves onto the floor and tried to push up. There is no way this is going to work out. My left hand slipped in a puddle of sweat and I slammed back down on the ground. I hear the count. And it is over with.

You know, it is funny. I swore these fights were over. But you kept coming back with more. But that was the final round. I am walking away. With that blow you told me it would be my own undoing that forced me to walk away. But no, you are wrong. And even though in the ring you won, you lost outside. Because you lost me. I can only take so many blows from you. In the coming months you will start to ask yourself, was it worth it?

Top Rated

Try not to think about it
But you remind
That we are heading in the wrong direction
You make me sick and tired
No never learn
You put yourself on top and that just makes me
Slip and slide and wish my heart away
Come a time when I don't feel like crawling
I try to do right until my heart breaks
In need of repair, it won't be you I'm calling

Try to take me down
I'll be right up
'cause you aim too low
And I've had enough
Always been top rated
You think you can change it?
Think that you can change it?
Top top top top rated 

-Lyrics by Icona Pop

Missed Connection: Truth and reality

...if I even had an ounce of courage to do so. You see, I've made a complete fool of myself in your eyes. I either tried too hard, or didn't try hard enough to convey to you how much I love you; the happiness I feel when we talked, and especially when we saw each other. Your spell over me is quite heavy, as I feel it just as much if not even more now. Yes, even after not seeing each other in over 6 months, and not talking the last few months. I either totally scared you away, or totally repulsed you. Probably the latter, honestly. And I'm completely embarrassed and mortified about that. 

It wasn't your fault. My feelings for you are so powerful, I didn't know how to express them. I remember saying that if we didn't work out, that I could acknowledge that and still be your friend. But I couldn't. Not after knowing you were giving your attention to someone else. I'd already known that, but the written words crumbled my world. I'd made an utter fool of myself in your eyes, and there was nothing I could do about it. Nothing I could say that could change your mind. 

I apologize for not keeping my end of the bargain and remaining an active friend to you. But you'd have to feel what I'm feeling, just for 5 minutes, to fully understand how devastated I've been feeling. I can't even talk to you and treat you as a friend, I'm so ashamed. I hope you can understand this. I also wish you knew how nothing has changed for me regarding you. I still love you and cherish you with all that I have in me. Even more so since we've been apart. I ache for you. I wanted you... in every aspect of life. My best friend, a passionate lover....a partner in everything. I'd still want that, but I can only bring myself to speak to you in my thoughts/fantasies, and pour out my heart to your ghost lying in my arms at night, because that's safe...I can't get hurt that way. But the oxymoron of that is that I do hurt more. 

Perhaps I'll save this letter, and rehearse it. Maybe even memorize it. Aw, f**k it, I'm better at winging it anyway. But perhaps one day I'll see you. And perhaps I'd get to say these words I've typed here to your beautiful face. I really would like to. Holding back a love like this is like trying to hold back a tsunami with an umbrella. I love you...always, Beautiful lady..always. 

Missed Connection: Gave you a ride 4:00am

This is so random but hey sometimes you have to throw caution to the wind and live life.... You were walking to a friends house at 17th & P and I gave you a ride for 3 blocks we spoke about your friend in a hospital ..... I just thought you had a great spirit about you... and a very caring soul.... So if for some crazy reason you have nothing better to do then to read the craigslist missed connections perhaps we can grab a cup of coffee,,,, I was going to give you my card but when we got to the destination 1725 P Street (lol) and your friend was waiting at the curb to meet you there was that akward moment where we just said goodbye..Sometimes in life you have to put it out there in the universe and see what happens... 

Photo Courtesy editorialgirl via Flickr

Single

Why are we so afraid of being alone? Why is it that we need to have someone, or some people, around us? Better yet, why is it that we associate being single as also being alone?

I know this post will speak to few of us, since probably 75% of whom I know is in some sort of relationship: marriage, dating, significant other, etc. But I want to argue against the idea that being single means you are alone. Trust me, I have been single my entire life, aside from a few casual dating moments and one almost serious relationship (that I screwed up no less). But I can say that I am not sitting here writing some melodramatic song about being alone, being heartbroken, hoping to find that special someone, etc.

Many of you will argue back that in 3 years I will have matured and will finally want to "settle down." To that, I say, I will never settle down. I will find someone, yes. And that someone will want me to stick around and be happy to be taken. But it will not be someone that will cause me to settle down. And until then, I am not alone. I think it also goes deeper than just feeling alone. Because I have seen so many of my friends who jump around from relationship to relationship. Are they really trying to find that one person? They aren't trying to be whores, that is for sure. It isn't that superficial. No, they try to validate themselves through a relationship. And that never works out. Trust me, the past two relationships I was "in" were ones where I was trying to validate who I was through the relationship I was pursuing. And that isn't healthy nor does it work.

But it is this relentless pursuit that causes us to ignore the reality that we may be pursuing a relationship solely for our own validation. We need to ignore the pressure around us and make sure that when we do dive into a commitment with another human, it is in a manner that reflects a validation of each other. Until then, remain single. Date casually, but remain single. Don't dive into commitment until you know that when you take that leap there is a desire to validate the other person in the relationship. I honestly think there would be less relationships in number, but more successful ones if we all followed this idea.

 Don't get me wrong, I am no professional at relationships: I have never been in a serious, committed relationship. But it has been my experience in failed after failed dating situation, on either part, that has taught me to reflect first on what my intentions are. And it takes time to determine that in any relationship. Which is why we don't become best friends with another right away. So lets not do the same with boyfriends and girlfriends. But when we do:

Missed Connection - have a goodnight darlin

You stop at my work from time to time and as soon as we see eachother we both smile and don't stop smiling wish I wasn't shy when your in your car smiling up at me as I take your doller... 

conFESSional: Age

I have written many posts regarding my age. I always say how much I have learned or just how mature I am. To be honest, for the last few years I have had an arrogance around me that I was mature, ready to take on the world, and what mistakes I made weren't all that bad. But because of that attitude, I look back and see just how reckless many of my decisions were. I was arrogant, selfish, rude, blunt, and all in ways I didn't have to be. No, I am not trying to beat myself up over it, but it really hit me over the last two weeks.

I am not sure what brought it on, but I began to reflect on past decisions, both recent and old. And as I remembered in detail the thought process or my actions, I see so many things that I did wrong. They are things I also didn't realize I had done incorrectly up until now. Which made me realize: I am young. More than I ever imagined. I am just 23. Sure, to a 18 year old or a senior in college that seems old. Yes, I was renting my own apartment at the age of 22. Yes, I graduated college almost 3 years ago. But I am not 50. I haven't worked in an office for 15 years. I don't know what Washington, DC was like back in 1985 much less 2001. I can't tell you what the hottest styles were back in 1991. I really haven't lived. Despite all that I have said. So my confession this week is my arrogance towards my age.

I. Don't. Know. Anything. Really. I have hurt many people, frustrated others, and angered some because of my belief that I had it all and couldn't possibly make a major mistake. Seldom did I, over the past year, think of others. And no, I am not being overdramatic. This is a blog post, so lets focus in on the issue at bay. So yes, I have been selfless at times this year. It is as if over the last two weeks a veil has lifted and I have seen what I have done that affected others. I knew they were "good" decisions for me, but I failed to recognize that they may have been "bad" decisions for others.

But with all my confessionals here, past (just one!) and future (there will be many), there is always something positive to be had from it. And that is I am moving forward being observant of the chain reaction my decisions have. And also recognizing that there are others in this world, in my life, that matter. It started this weekend: rather than booze it up, try and meet someone, eat McDonald's at 3am and then regret it all the next day, I went and spent the weekend with my parents and my 93 year old grandmother. She lost her son last November, and before I lose her, I want to spend every chance I get with her. Death has a funny hold on us (possible post later? mebbe) and it certainly has been a large part of the thinking behind this confessional.

So I confess my arrogance. I confess how my actions have failed to take into consideration others. But I celebrate my ability to recognize it and now work towards ensuring I have mostly positive effects on those that I care and love.