Missed Connection - have a goodnight darlin

You stop at my work from time to time and as soon as we see eachother we both smile and don't stop smiling wish I wasn't shy when your in your car smiling up at me as I take your doller... 

conFESSional: Age

I have written many posts regarding my age. I always say how much I have learned or just how mature I am. To be honest, for the last few years I have had an arrogance around me that I was mature, ready to take on the world, and what mistakes I made weren't all that bad. But because of that attitude, I look back and see just how reckless many of my decisions were. I was arrogant, selfish, rude, blunt, and all in ways I didn't have to be. No, I am not trying to beat myself up over it, but it really hit me over the last two weeks.

I am not sure what brought it on, but I began to reflect on past decisions, both recent and old. And as I remembered in detail the thought process or my actions, I see so many things that I did wrong. They are things I also didn't realize I had done incorrectly up until now. Which made me realize: I am young. More than I ever imagined. I am just 23. Sure, to a 18 year old or a senior in college that seems old. Yes, I was renting my own apartment at the age of 22. Yes, I graduated college almost 3 years ago. But I am not 50. I haven't worked in an office for 15 years. I don't know what Washington, DC was like back in 1985 much less 2001. I can't tell you what the hottest styles were back in 1991. I really haven't lived. Despite all that I have said. So my confession this week is my arrogance towards my age.

I. Don't. Know. Anything. Really. I have hurt many people, frustrated others, and angered some because of my belief that I had it all and couldn't possibly make a major mistake. Seldom did I, over the past year, think of others. And no, I am not being overdramatic. This is a blog post, so lets focus in on the issue at bay. So yes, I have been selfless at times this year. It is as if over the last two weeks a veil has lifted and I have seen what I have done that affected others. I knew they were "good" decisions for me, but I failed to recognize that they may have been "bad" decisions for others.

But with all my confessionals here, past (just one!) and future (there will be many), there is always something positive to be had from it. And that is I am moving forward being observant of the chain reaction my decisions have. And also recognizing that there are others in this world, in my life, that matter. It started this weekend: rather than booze it up, try and meet someone, eat McDonald's at 3am and then regret it all the next day, I went and spent the weekend with my parents and my 93 year old grandmother. She lost her son last November, and before I lose her, I want to spend every chance I get with her. Death has a funny hold on us (possible post later? mebbe) and it certainly has been a large part of the thinking behind this confessional.

So I confess my arrogance. I confess how my actions have failed to take into consideration others. But I celebrate my ability to recognize it and now work towards ensuring I have mostly positive effects on those that I care and love.

Open ConFESSional

I think part of the reason I don't blog as often as I could is because I have so many different thoughts and ideas and can never focus on one. I also worry that I become repetitive with my postings. If I am sounding like a broken record, then I apologize. But the reality is that there are so many lessons that I have to relearn and relearn and relearn before they finally stick in my mind. And I have made many. I am going to start an open confessional where I post about my young ignorant mistakes that I make. And I seem to make the same ones over and over again. But what I have started to see over the last year as I reflect on my choices, both good and bad, is that my choices to affect others. I have said nasty things. I have said uplifting things. I have ignored people. I have devoted time to others. I am hoping my open confessional will do something for those that read it, and for he who writes it. I want it to be a weekly reminder that our actions affect those around us. So to begin:

To "B": I apologize for not recognizing that I couldn't initially give you what you deserved. You had shown your hesitations towards trusting me on numerous occasions and I chose to take advantage of that. I will never forgot that day where I sat you down across my kitchen table and told you my decision. I could see how stunned you were. How much it hurt you.

Hurt. Inconsiderate. Rude.

And yet you stuck around. You showed a devotion to a friendship that I didn't seem to care about. That trust I violated you kept for whatever reason. You chose to ignore my immaturity.

You waited for me. And here we are, more than a year later and I can say with my heart that I have found one of my best friends. And nothing can change that. So I confess:

Selfishness. Arrogance.

Re: Dust

And just like that the dust has swirled up in my life again. Funny how things aren't very clear for very long in my life. But I attribute that to the fact that I am young and this crazy thing called life is forcing me to grow and change. I remember my first month at college a few years ago being hit with some issues. I honestly can't remember what they were, but I was talking to my RD and he told me at the end of our conversation that what I was dealing with was merely the first of many issues and problems I would be confronted with. Harder than ever before, and being faced (initially) alone, it was what adulthood was all about. It is sort of like resistance training. As soon as you are comfortable with 3 sets of 10 reps at 45 pounds, you raise the weight to 50. Life waits until that moment and then raises the bar.

Right now I am currently faced with a situation I have never been in before. It is uncharted water for me. And even though I am failing miserably at it for the time being, I can look back in time and see that there have been many situations before this where I had no idea what I was doing at first, but eventually I conquered it and learned how to deal with the situation properly. And while I am completely clueless, I can say this: someone over the last year has helped me prepare for something like this. I have found that one person that has pushed me, allowed me to be honest and open and, in turn, has fought for me. Because of her, I know I have someone on the sidelines, a champion for my cause and for me. And because of that, I am here, confident that as the dust swirls around me again and I start to feel overwhelmed by it all, I am a more open, honest, and confident person.

I owe it to her. And for the first time in a long I feel as though I have found that one person who has continued to work in my life and transform me. It is a deep friendship that I have been missing for far too long. And it is exciting in a way that a little dust can't diminish.

Dust

I am not really sure what to write about. But I think the dust is settling in my life after a few weeks of very very very very very cloudy visions. I wasn't sure what was going on, but I knew I couldn't see very far. And that bothered me, being the planner that I am.

Photo Courtesy Liz Higgs via Flickr

But thankfully the wind has died down, the dust has settled, and I even think I am about to get a much needed rain. It is funny the clarity you realize you didn't have until you get it. I remember one time knowing I should clean my glasses, but it wasn't really bothering me. Then, a coworker forced me to wipe them clean and the moment I did, I realized just how dirty they had been! It was as if I was use to the cloudiness. I had become ok with my discomfort and ok with the abnormal. Maybe that isn't such a bad thing, for doesn't that make the normal times that much more enjoyable?

At the same time, why should I allow myself to be handicapped? I shouldn't be ok with seeing things incorrectly or even okay with problems in my life. Granted, some problems will take plenty of time to resolve, but to be okay with them is a bigger issue than any I know. So as the dust settles this time, I will work at trying not to rustle things up again. Because once that dust is here things get real cloudy, and I risk becoming okay with that once more.