Dash of Will

I have given a lot of thought over the years to my actions. I am constantly trying to shift my emotions, my thoughts,  and my actions in ways to conform to what people expect of me. It is as if I am stuck in a never ending factory that is constantly molding me into some desired form. Yet once I have been completed, the scenario has changed and demand for a new model is much greater. It is like some torturous nightmare, but the one in control of the factory is me.

And so I think, for once, I am going ask myself to stop the cycle. For once, I am not going to mold anymore. I have found that as the years pass by I become a little more confident. And that confidence leads to more of a desire to be free of the pressures placed on me by society, family, friends, work, etc.

So I am not sorry for who I am. I don't apologize if I offend you. I don't think I need to explain myself to you anymore. I am who I am. I am part upbringing, a dash of arrogance mixed in with self doubt, a passion to fight, and a tasting of joy. I am going to be bold in my life. I will make decisions, certainly educated ones, but they will be decisions without regrets. I have gone far too long lingering on the past. What was said and done cannot be changed. So I am simplifying my life and stopping the over-analyzing.

A friend that has taught me more than he will ever realize said this to me last week in about the same words: "Why is it so wrong to be who you are? Stop worrying about how you act, accept it, and be it." After so many years of hating who I was and struggling with trying to accept just part of me, this is a huge uphill walk for me. And I am not talking about the pathetic self love our culture wants us to obtain. I don't want to be arrogant or narcissistic. But I do want to be more self aware, and I want to be okay with that.

I want to live a life that isn't full or regrets and caution about what others may think. I want to be hurt again, but hurt because I was bold. I want to be happy. But happy because I was aggressive. I want to be sad. But sad because I attempted something difficult. I want to be satisfied. Satisfied that I am who I am.

There is this one question that always lingers in the back of my head. Never nagging, it sort of just sits there and reminds me periodically.

What will people remember me for?


Is it my brashness? My quickness to anger? My wild emotions? My sociable personality? Or how about my willingness to try new things? I guess deep down this question really begs to tell me that I tend to care what other people think about me. But I really don't consider this a shallow social kind of worry. Because you really only need to get to know me over the course of a few hours to learn that I act and behave in ways that reflect a person who really could care less if you thought him odd, strange, goofy, awesome, angry, or all of the above. And it isn't arrogance either (though arrogant I am).

No, I think it is more a self-awareness. I worry because I understand that my actions can and do affect others. How I came about to this source of self-awareness is certainly debated in my head. But I think a lot of it has to do with how I have been affected greatly by other people's decisions.

Just this morning, in a stupor from a lack of sleep and slight hangovers, two of my best friends and I were discussing just how much we have changed since high school. How those that were the popular and well-known have almost become wallflowers and those that were wallflowers (us certainly not being wallflowers but carrying more traits in common with them) have almost become the prominent, outgoing, and well-known socialites. I used to be one to sit by, and react to things that happened to me. But when I suddenly discovered that it really didn't seem to work out in a favorable way, I made a change. I became proactive. I made decisions and choices. And I began to demand more from myself.

Be as it may, that also means I affect people more often now. And I need to be conscious of my actions and words. For if I sit here and make both positive and negative comments about how many have affected me greatly, I need to understand I do the same to others. I'm not talking about the stereotypical "set an example by not doing drugs, being athletic, going to bible study, etc." I am talking about a holistic approach that involves a life with conscious decisions and careful actions to reflect how I truly want to be reflected. For in reality, people remember me for being me. And I need to be the me I want to be.

Voice

What voice dictates your life? Where do you find the passion to speak? Is it out of anger, jealousy, sadness, hope, or none of the above? Take this observation from this evening. I was at the Apple store waiting for a friend to wrap up helping a customer when a man walked in. Greeted by the first employee, he said he wanteded to purchase a care plan for his iPad. He was directed off ahead to a fellow employee. I resumed passing time drooling over the slew of aluminum Macs in front of me. Starting to feel my nerves being rewired to force me to drop $1400 on something I really didn't need, I was thankfully saved by a fit of rage encroaching my right ear. I look up to see a group of Apple employees standing by the same man who was quite upset. For whatever reason, he was denied a care plan. He yelled, asking for corporate on the phone, saying he was mistreated and lied to. My first reaction? What an arrogant prick. How can he be upset that his $700 toy won't be covered from accidental damage when there are literally thousands each day eying from starvation, infectious diseases, and war? Then I had two immediate reactions. One, the obvious one that happens often, was realizing that I am in no place to judge. I have had my own White Whine moments. (One involving heavy drama over which MacBook I was to purchase. Pretty sure in the amount of time I stressed over that decision I could have built an entire school in Kenya). But I digress. The second reaction was this, his words come from some sort of emotion, as all of our words do. What if he was just an arrogant jerk? Or what if he had just bought this for his autistic son and was worried his boy might break it accidentally? What if he had just come from the courthouse, finishing up a settlement in a nasty divorce case? But beyond my reaction, it really got me thinking. Rather than focus on what I am saying, I need to ask myself from what emotion am I speaking these words? Because that is the root of it all. When I respond to a driver cutting me off, is it because I a, quick tempered or because there is an underlying frustration with being ignored and seen as second rate. If we truly want to change who we are, and how we react to situations, it is best not to see how we react to situations, but why. Is it out of jealousy or anger? Why did I flip that dumb Northern Virginia driver off? Why do I honk my horn when someone doesn't start off a green light fast enough? That is impatience, where is it coming from. We cannot free ourselves from our emotions until we have asked the tough questions. We cannot break away from emotions until we understand them. And when we finally understand the source if our emotions can we mature, level out, and start a life dictated by our decisions and not our fledgling hearts.

Country Road

I talk very, very fast. It is probably one of the first things people notice about me. Therapy years ago told me that it was because I struggled to feel as though I had a voice with my family. Sure, I lacked some serious confidence growing up. But now, I probably am way too overconfident. I am blunt and aggressive. No, I think now my mind is running a mile a minute, constantly contemplating, observing, remembering, forgetting, processing, well, you get the picture. A lot of times I find myself having to explain what I just stated to a group of friends, me being 30 seconds ahead in the conversation.


Okay, so we have established that I am crazy. But what does anyone else care? Either you have known for years, and if you didn't, it doesn't really matter. Because I have trouble slowing down. Life is quick for me. I get bored easily. And I grow tired just as fast. There are some positive outcomes from this. But there are also negative ones. I grow impatient. I begin to lose relationships merely because I get so distracted I fail to maintain contact. I also find myself with more anger. I speed more. I honk more. I get frustrated often.

My doctor told me the other day I had high blood pressure. Rest assured, it was because I was late for the appointment, had this whole ordeal getting to the office, and so I was stressed. Sure enough, a week later my blood pressure was fine. My stress levels obviously are affecting my health. And I get stressed because I live a quick life.

So it is time to slow down. Move over from the left lane. Heck, take that next exit and drive the country road. Granted, DC has no country roads, but you get the picture. Who cares if I can see 30 miles ahead? I have those next 30 miles to enjoy what will come. I will strengthen friendships and find myself in a much better place emotionally.

Sometimes, the country road is a better alternative. For me, the next few miles will certainly be on it.

Arena

The conversation had gone well so far. Aimless chatter, catching up, reminiscing about the past. It was cordial, casual, and good. The waiter came by, grabbed the clear plates and refilled my glass. I played with the condensation on the outside a little as the conversation hit a lull.

"Are you happy?"

My initial reaction was to go on the defensive, but I refrained from saying anything. If this were any other situation the question would seem amicable. But this was different. It was such a loaded question that implied so much. Passive aggressive, typical. I would have put up a serious fight any other time. But I had gotten out of bed at some god-forsaken hour to be here on time. I knew I was going to be exhausted all day so I wanted to save some energy for work.

I gave myself some time to think through a response. I had to be careful and diligent with my word choice. I couldn't seem taken aback or surprised - I am good at this game and I will win it. I must. The noise of Union Station began to creep into the diner as the rest of the city slowly woke up. Finally I knew what to say. It had seemed like an hour had passed when in reality it had only been but 15 to 20 seconds.

"Yes, I am happy" I tried to act surprised and imply that he shouldn't even be asking that question, why wouldn't I be? He seemed taken aback at first that I was so confident in my answer. I had turned the tables on him, and revealed his weakness. But I had shown my hand too early. This was just a feign with his left hand. It was a trap I fell into and had given it my all. Suddenly I was open and defenseless for his right hook.

"I wanted you to know that your mother and I don't respect your decision."

Dazed, struggling for words, this could not be the end. I needed to rebound, pull my right hand back and deliver some jab.

"I know, I never thought you did." Weak, and a parry.

"You had mentioned it before. We don't respect your decision. We allow you to make your own, as you are a grown man, but we don't respect it. And some day, you will see that you are not happy. You will come around and change your mind." Left handed hook right into my jaw. I could feel my bones slowly creaking from the pressure. Did my jaw just become dislocated?

"Ok, well that is good to know." Dammit, that was the biggest white flag I have ever flown before. I couldn't even hear the count for the K.O., it seemed to happen so quickly. Was there a mob outside the diner? All I can hear is some loud white noise filling my eardrums.

But this is just round 4 of many. You have won. I spent the rest of the day nursing my wounds, planning the next dance we will have. But we will have another. And I will be ready. But ultimately, in the end it doesn't matter. Because like any career, I can retire and move on. You may not, in fact, you probably won't. But once I have left the ring, you will be alone in the cold, empty arena, waiting for a fight that will never come. You can only fight so many times until one has had enough. And that isn't a surrender, it is being the adult and moving on from a fight that will never end. Enjoy that cold arena.