I should be a fountain of hubris

I cannot let go of it. I cannot seem to shake off my desire to cast my own cultural and social perceptions on this internship and on life here in the Dominican Republic.

Consider this recent campaign of thought my arrogance has delivered over the past month:

This internship has been a failure. I have not made any progress and I have seemed to been not only wasting my own personal and valuable time, but also the limited time that these loan officers have to try and help the hundreds of poor desperate for a loan with Esperanza (knowingly or unknowingly). The severe lack of leadership and communication between the head office in Lancaster and the office in Santo Domingo has severely hindered any opportunities for me to complete this internship with any achievement whatsoever.

<End Verbatim Self Confession of Arrogance and Isolated Thought>

I have a few bones to pick with myself here. One, what exactly am I here for? Did I take on this internship so that it may be one more eye-catching allotment on my resume for the ever picky firms to hopefully glance over and notice? Or did I do this internship to hopefully gain the notice of others of my sufferings, to earn a respect I already had obtained by suffering and pointing out so?

Or did I take this internship to help the poor?

Oops.

If HOPE wanted to at this point, they could technically dispel me from my position as an intern for falsely interviewing on three occasions. Okay, that may be taking it too far, and I seriously doubt they would. For although my intentions were not 100% behind helping the poor, I didn't necessarily lie. Please, just take that hyperbolic statement as a reflection of the severity of the following:

We must consistently reflect on the desires of our hearts and ensure that each and every of our actions represents not the true desire of them, but rather the true desire of God.

This can be tricky. Because many times, our own selfish desires can align quite well with God's plans for our lives. Case in point, me. Perhaps I do have a passion to help the poor (God's will) but it has become twisted with my desire for attention, suffering, or even personal gain. Not to say one can't gain personal experience out of such an internship. Nor to say that I am solely down here for personal gain or selfish reasons, I do want to help the poor. I merely need to continually reflect on my hearts desires and make sure my actions reflect God's will for my life.

Second bone to pick (I hate that saying, it is quite ugly..): Why do I continually cast my own cultural expectations and knowledge on a culture I really know nothing about? I am continually judging my time here based on my output, my work, and my efficiency. Why? Because it is the American way. And by American standards I am failing. But note the absurdity of that sentence: by American standards I am failing. Quick obvious question: Am I in America? (Note: That is not to say I am doing absolutely nothing down here)

Things are done differently down here. And my internship, whether here or in India or Ghana, is nothing like an internship in the States. I need to constantly remind myself in my disappointment or frustration that these emotions are stemming from my failed attempt at changing my perceptions and expectations to properly align with the views of the culture. I don't expect to fully succeed in my limited time here. But I can begin a process of changing my mindset to be more open to change and differences.

So, can I shake off this desire? Not entirely. But I can begin the change. Quick test:

Would I change anything about this internship?

HECK YES.

But in seriousness, my honest answer would be no. It hit me this morning when I was relaxing in bed taking my nice old time getting up (I already miss it...). I have been given this amazing time here, to meet amazing people (Americans and Dominicans), to see an absolutely gorgeous country, and to encounter my faith and personal beliefs (including cultural arrogance) in a radical and direct way. What has happened these past 6 weeks I wouldn't change for the world. And it makes me only more excited for the next 6 to come.

Hubris is a Greek term used in dramas of the time to describe the element of said dramas where the hero comes to pay for the past mistake of pride. The official definition is excessive pride. I liked my intellectual explanation better. Thankfully for me, I have been given the opportunity to pay for my mistake of hubris but halfway through the internship so I can enjoy the remaining half.