Struggle. Push. Shove. Fight.
All actions I want to commit at this time. I am restless. I am frustrated. I am confused. I just want certainty in my life. Tomorrow hasn't come, but tomorrow is unknown to me, and that bothers me. The sun may have set, but the shadows seem as if they will remain well past the sunrise tomorrow morning. Isn't that uncomfortable for anyone? Who likes walking along in the dark anyways?
If it is any consolation to me, I am amongst probably 90% of the world's population. I really question whether anyone really has total certainty to their life. You may have that nice paying job now. You may have the wonderful girlfriend, the best friend, the perfect family. But how much certainty is their in all that. No, I am not talking about some horrible event upheaving your entire life. I am merely pointing out the fluidity of life. It takes a shape, then molds again, barely holding it's form before another rapid transformation. It can be so fast paced nay a blink of an eye can catch it. Or it can be painstaking slow, the eyes burning as they watch, wide, waiting patiently for the change to occur.
Either way, it scares me. To know just how fluid life is: How it changes, how it molds, how it disappears and yet will reappear in another figure or form. I want to fight against it. Hell, I want to mold it into something I can understand or comprehend. But each time I grab it, it flows right through my fingers. The shape it once had ruined by my desire to control it. It billows out, stretches, as if to avoid my touch at all. It is clear, perfectly clear like a crystal. There is nothing to it, yet so much contained inside of it. It shows my reflection, whether I want it to or not, my face ripples through it's ever changing facets. It warps my figure, just as it warps itself.
And it scares me. But I dare not touch it. For touching it, as I have learned in the past, is far worse than the unknown that comes with the fluidity of life itself. Rather, I am patient. I wait and I too become fluid. I adapt to the very changing object we call life. Suddenly I am changing along with it, moving in and out like the perfect dance partner. Until I don't recognize myself as I did once before. Suddenly life takes a shape that allows a glimpse back at myself. And I realize how much I have changed since I last glanced before, be it two years, two weeks, or two days.
That isn't scary. It is beautiful. But I can be scared of beauty. I should be scared of beauty.
1.6.11
25.5.11
Rocket Trip
I am having some trouble. This will be my first summer that I am not doing anything... different. I hesitate to say fun or adventurous for fear that nothing will happen this summer. But sadly, I am not off to a monastery for 10 weeks, galavanting around Europe for three months, or living in Santiago for the summer. Nope, I am here back in plain old Maryland with a plan white cubicle and a plain repetitive job...
Boring?
I should think not. Rather, I think I am going to use this time to decompress, to expand my boundaries, and learn more about me at home. One can learn a lot abroad. It stretches you, molds you, and certainly transforms. But really, once all that change has happened, you then need to find out who you are. I am not going to lie, I am lost. And I have been for three years. So much has happened to me in such a condensed time period that I feel overwhelmed. In fact, I don't even really know who I am anymore. No, I don't mean that in the typical non-sensical way. I think I have had so much happen to me over the past few years that I haven't had time to process it all. So I will use this time to cut, copy, paste, rewind, fast forward, edit, control+click my through 15 countries, 100+ hours of prayer, and two jobs.
Step 1) Stop doing things. My weekends will be ebbs and flows of inactivity. I am not going to make an effort to do drastic activities (this being said after a weekend in Houston and one in Boston for Memorial Day).
Step 2) Reconnect with those close to me. I have lost contact with many good friends and I need to reengage them on a new level. My travels have blessed me with so many new contacts, and I cannot let those fall away.
Step 3) Me time. Time for me to do simple things I enjoy. Time for me to do activities that I enjoy, that dust off my senses and creativity. This will be hard.
Step 4) Pray. I've lost me. I need to find me. But I cannot find him without God. = Prayer.
The words of Owl City seem appropriate for my situation.
"Where was I when the rockets came to life, and carried you away?"
Those rockets took me on a journey, but I need to unite me on Earth, and me that took that adventure.
*Fin>
Boring?
I should think not. Rather, I think I am going to use this time to decompress, to expand my boundaries, and learn more about me at home. One can learn a lot abroad. It stretches you, molds you, and certainly transforms. But really, once all that change has happened, you then need to find out who you are. I am not going to lie, I am lost. And I have been for three years. So much has happened to me in such a condensed time period that I feel overwhelmed. In fact, I don't even really know who I am anymore. No, I don't mean that in the typical non-sensical way. I think I have had so much happen to me over the past few years that I haven't had time to process it all. So I will use this time to cut, copy, paste, rewind, fast forward, edit, control+click my through 15 countries, 100+ hours of prayer, and two jobs.
Step 1) Stop doing things. My weekends will be ebbs and flows of inactivity. I am not going to make an effort to do drastic activities (this being said after a weekend in Houston and one in Boston for Memorial Day).
Step 2) Reconnect with those close to me. I have lost contact with many good friends and I need to reengage them on a new level. My travels have blessed me with so many new contacts, and I cannot let those fall away.
Step 3) Me time. Time for me to do simple things I enjoy. Time for me to do activities that I enjoy, that dust off my senses and creativity. This will be hard.
Step 4) Pray. I've lost me. I need to find me. But I cannot find him without God. = Prayer.
The words of Owl City seem appropriate for my situation.
"Where was I when the rockets came to life, and carried you away?"
Those rockets took me on a journey, but I need to unite me on Earth, and me that took that adventure.
*Fin>
18.5.11
Lights
I feel like I am in the middle of a mid life crises right now, yet it has nothing to do with me. Why? Let's see...
$4.02 a gallon for gas
The Arabic Spring occurring
Tsunami in Japan
Earthquake in New Zealand
Osama Bin Laden murdered
Oh, and people proclaiming the world is going to end on May 21, 2011
So many events out of my control, and they don't really affect me. Yet here I stress: my finances worry me, my living situation sometimes bothers me, my relationships don't satisfy me, and my wants greatly outsize my needs. Let's put things into perspective and realize who I am.
I am but a light on a string of hundreds. No thousands.
Millions.
Flickering, shining bright, growing dull, fighting for power, working together.
If I go out, the string stays lit. But I am important, yet so small.
All too often I get tangled with other lights. Knots form that take time to unravel. I am one shade of a spectrum of different lights and colors.
Despite all this. I am a light, dim or bright, in this darkness. In all we hear today I am a light. As many of you are. As some of you should be. And as some of you were. I am a light.
$4.02 a gallon for gas
The Arabic Spring occurring
Tsunami in Japan
Earthquake in New Zealand
Osama Bin Laden murdered
Oh, and people proclaiming the world is going to end on May 21, 2011
So many events out of my control, and they don't really affect me. Yet here I stress: my finances worry me, my living situation sometimes bothers me, my relationships don't satisfy me, and my wants greatly outsize my needs. Let's put things into perspective and realize who I am.
I am but a light on a string of hundreds. No thousands.
Millions.
Flickering, shining bright, growing dull, fighting for power, working together.
If I go out, the string stays lit. But I am important, yet so small.
All too often I get tangled with other lights. Knots form that take time to unravel. I am one shade of a spectrum of different lights and colors.
Despite all this. I am a light, dim or bright, in this darkness. In all we hear today I am a light. As many of you are. As some of you should be. And as some of you were. I am a light.
Hello
Today was a very bad day for the human race. If human interactions were graded, and I was the honored professor, I'd give us a D+, but only because I hope things get better. To start off, I had a jerk on the highway who couldn't stand going just 10 mph over. You'd swear, with the way people drive you wouldn't know gas was $3.99 a gallon. (FYI, I am a big proponent of more taxes on oil usage) There is just something ironic about a Toyota Prius cruising down the highway at 75 mph.... Do you drive that car to be green? Or so you can drive fast and feel better about it?
Then during work, I spoke to a man that chose to use derogatory and racially charged comments towards another coworker of mine. The ignorance and selfishness of some people just amazes me. Finally on my way home, and woman decided I wasn't going fast enough again and chose to be within 10 inches of my bumper going 65. Sweet.
And so the anger from all day boiled as I got off the highway and tried to race home, hungry and tired. I kept processing all the frustrating events of the day as I turned into my development. I get this amazing view of the rest of my country from the top of the development. On clear days I can see straight to the District, and many times if is a beautiful sight. Today I hardly noticed it as I downshifted to give myself more power to get home as soon as I could to hide away from the frustrations of this world. I had a cd playing Martin Solveig's track Hello as I turned the corner. There to my right was a child, no older than 4 riding a Playskool bike, bright red, blue and yellow, around his driveway. He stopped as he saw me, staring at this complete stranger. Suddenly his fat thick hand raised into the air and opened up, palm towards me, and he waved. He waved, saying hello which I could only make out from his lips.
Me? A complete stranger. Certainly there is the sweetness of the innocence of this child. But more so, he reflects the inner character so many, if not all, of us lose moving into adulthood. It struck me to the core. And while I can't control other's actions, I can control mine.
So I too will be that child. I raise my thick fat arm into the air. My grubby hand is as high as I can reach it, I open it up, and I wave hello to you, my friend. And to you, my stranger. Hello.
Then during work, I spoke to a man that chose to use derogatory and racially charged comments towards another coworker of mine. The ignorance and selfishness of some people just amazes me. Finally on my way home, and woman decided I wasn't going fast enough again and chose to be within 10 inches of my bumper going 65. Sweet.
And so the anger from all day boiled as I got off the highway and tried to race home, hungry and tired. I kept processing all the frustrating events of the day as I turned into my development. I get this amazing view of the rest of my country from the top of the development. On clear days I can see straight to the District, and many times if is a beautiful sight. Today I hardly noticed it as I downshifted to give myself more power to get home as soon as I could to hide away from the frustrations of this world. I had a cd playing Martin Solveig's track Hello as I turned the corner. There to my right was a child, no older than 4 riding a Playskool bike, bright red, blue and yellow, around his driveway. He stopped as he saw me, staring at this complete stranger. Suddenly his fat thick hand raised into the air and opened up, palm towards me, and he waved. He waved, saying hello which I could only make out from his lips.
Me? A complete stranger. Certainly there is the sweetness of the innocence of this child. But more so, he reflects the inner character so many, if not all, of us lose moving into adulthood. It struck me to the core. And while I can't control other's actions, I can control mine.
So I too will be that child. I raise my thick fat arm into the air. My grubby hand is as high as I can reach it, I open it up, and I wave hello to you, my friend. And to you, my stranger. Hello.
Stupid stupid blogger!
My last two or three posts never posted and have been deleted! I guess that is what you get with free services.
Hence why I don't like Google. Who KEEPS asking for more of my personal information so I don't ever lose access to my account... Is that REALLY why?....
Hence why I don't like Google. Who KEEPS asking for more of my personal information so I don't ever lose access to my account... Is that REALLY why?....
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