Agony. That is the first word that comes to mind right now. Well, that and frustration. Frustration that it isn't fair. It always comes up at the most inopportune times. I am supposed to be happy right now. Things really couldn't be better for me. I have a bright future ahead of me. I am living with one of my best friends in the entire world. I have a group of loving and supportive people around me. And I have come to perhaps one of the most exciting revelations about my life this month. I have conquered much and learned even more. And I know there is so much more to learn and conquer.
So why now? Why at 10:30 at night when I am trying to fall asleep and still my heart does this come? It isn't like I have avoided this up until now. Sure, there are times I push it down and procrastinate. But I have attempted to process through these emotions before. Besides, I didn't ask for them. These aren't emotions resulting from my own poor decisions. I was taken advantage of and now am left to pick up the pieces and hope I can fit them back together. But just like any shattered piece of glass, there are always those small tiny pieces you never can find again.
I am tired of waking up and dreading another day. I haven't dealt with this in many months. I am tired. But most of my exhaustion isn't from the emotions. It is from the frustrating carousel I am stuck on. Round and round I go, up and down and with each slow rotation I am confronted with my past again and again. It is like a sick sideshow for someone else to watch. And I know of two people who were the ones to force me onto this tormenting ride. And they walked away, completely unaffected. Hell, I doubt they even know just how much they affected me. Nights that I wake up in terror from nightmares. How my skin crawls at simple body contact. How the idea of someone coming from behind me terrifies me. How there can be so much joy in my life, but mere memories consume my mind and paralyze me in so many ways.
Sure, call me a baby. Tell me I am being over dramatic. I don't care. Few people know or understand what I am going through. I have written about all of this before and while it may sound like a broken record and it may frustrate you to read this again, imagine what it is it like for me. I am tired of the memories. I am tired of the anger. I am tired of the fear. I want to move on. I want to break free of this. I want to be normal again. I want that part of my life back. I want to be happy.
28.1.13
9.1.13
7.1.13
4.1.13
Metro Etiquette One oh One
The metro is not your personal bedroom. And girl, I have seen you on a many occasion. I know we all have had some desire to snooze on the train much less a car. But tell me, if there aren't any beds, what makes you think you can power nap on your way home from work? Long day? We have all been there. Exhausted about your three children at home? Children are a choice, use protection. Unless your excuse is one too many at happy hour or it is past 11:00pm and your BAC is over .1%, you need to keep that chin up and carry on. Besides, how the hell am I supposed to get out at my stop without touching you?
100
This is post #100. 100 is a cause for celebration right? This won't be some congratulatory post. This also won't be some reflective piece on this blog, which has most certainly taken a form much different than I ever expected. No, it is more a post congratulating you, the reader, for reading incessant rants regarding family, hardship, emotions, and more. Boy, if I were you I would have moved on long ago.
But to the 2 of you that read this blog, this must be one of the most strenuous relationships you have ever had. I don't maintain but a few good friendships, I find relationships can be boring and mundane. Only those that excite me are ones I pursue (that may become a later post). Only ones that push my boundaries are ones that I attempt to continue. So, if this blog does that for you, by all means, continue reading. Perhaps there will be 100 more to come.
My hope isn't to provide a voyeuristic take on a young adult male's attempts at understanding life. My hope is that my openness will be enough to inspire others to stop ignoring those rumblings inside and acknowledge that they exist and need to be dealt with, both the bad and good.
Speaking of good, I am thinking this blog will begin to take a more positive tone to it. So here we go to the next 100.
////ps: googling 100 brings up some interesting results:
My fear is one day I will live in a town like this
India's version of a Kardashian? Can't be, she is missing a unibrow.
100 lies a minute? Is that how this came up? Maybe 100% blonde female anchors with nose and boob jobs?
3.1.13
The DDP of 2013
I'm not one that finds New Years to be that great of a holiday. While I enjoy any excuse to drink incessant amounts of alcohol as much as the next person, the idea of "resolutions" always bothered me. Why do you have to wait until a new year to begin anew? Can't you change during the year? So while I don't have any "resolutions for the New Year" per say, I will reflect on what I have taken away from the last year:
Diligence in relationships - for two consecutive falls I have witnessed one of my own family leave this world quite suddenly. As if the first time wasn't enough in 2011, 2012 certainly has taught me it is time to be intentional in my relationships - be it family, friends, or even enemies. I am going to devote more time to others inside or outside the district.
Perseverance - I have had many a setback in my brief life, but none so affected by my own actions this year. But that isn't a negative thing, or so I learned in 2012. A setback is merely a test of character and will. Perseverance through those troubling times has brought about a new respect for life and others.
Openness to different - this honestly has been coming for quite some time, but finally culminated quite literally overnight into the new year. For the first 23 1/2 years of my life I have listened to what I believed were the norms for one's life. And there are so many around us that I have viewed almost as inferior because they chose not to follow the paths the world expected them to take. (Needless to say, I expect 2013 to be quite a drastic year for me because of this). The greatest example for me is the community that calls themselves "hipsters." We all love to scoff at their lifestyle, but if you take the time to experience it, you can see it isn't some bohemian style or lazy undertaking. It is just different. And different is good.
I blame my current fascination with expensive tequila on one gypsy I know all too well.
Perseverance - I have had many a setback in my brief life, but none so affected by my own actions this year. But that isn't a negative thing, or so I learned in 2012. A setback is merely a test of character and will. Perseverance through those troubling times has brought about a new respect for life and others.
Openness to different - this honestly has been coming for quite some time, but finally culminated quite literally overnight into the new year. For the first 23 1/2 years of my life I have listened to what I believed were the norms for one's life. And there are so many around us that I have viewed almost as inferior because they chose not to follow the paths the world expected them to take. (Needless to say, I expect 2013 to be quite a drastic year for me because of this). The greatest example for me is the community that calls themselves "hipsters." We all love to scoff at their lifestyle, but if you take the time to experience it, you can see it isn't some bohemian style or lazy undertaking. It is just different. And different is good.
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I am excited for what is to come this year. Based on what I have taken away from 2012, I cannot imagine how that will play into my life's choices. It will be different, diligent, and involve perseverance. What a great combination.
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