Fighter

The human spirit is resilient, but only if you let it be. Each day I find that life can, and does, get harder and harder if you allow it to. And we should. We make bigger and bigger mistakes. Wrongs continue to happen. The pain gets deeper and deeper. Issues come up we never expected to deal with before. But the payout from all of that is far greater than one could imagine. This isn't some feel good post. Because I know that possibly tomorrow some hardship may come your way. But this also isn't some post to console you. I don't want it to. Consolation can only come from those that understand. This is more encouragement to do the right thing in times of struggle. Fight it. Don't let the struggle overcome. But don't run either.

Struggle builds character. Character leads to maturity. And maturity leads to a life where one understands all around them. I purposefully surround myself with those that are self aware. Eating disorders, former drug problems, a severe lack of confidence, selfishness, arrogance, and even anger abound amongst my friends. I am attracted to those that are open with their struggles. An openness about it means an acknowledgement of their struggle which builds that all important character. It also provides deeper and more meaningful relationships.


I have had my fair share of good relationships over the years, but for the first time in my life, I don't run out of numbers to call by the time someone picks up in my time of need. That isn't to brag, but to encourage you to be open. Stand up to your struggles face first, be prepared to fight, and be open about it. Let those you trust around you see what your fight is today, tomorrow, and in five years. I can say this now because in the last week I was confronted with the option to run or to confront. Because I was open and sought the advice of those I trust, I made the right choice. I am fighting with all I have in the best way possible. And while things aren't perfect and may not be for a while, for the first time in two weeks I have never felt lighter. I have never felt more purposeful or closer and in touch with my life. That is worth fighting for in any situation, no matter how difficult.




There goes a fighter.

Family

What is family? Who are family? I have been struggling with this issue a lot lately and mainly because over the last year I have chosen to ignore problems that were arising in my own biological family.

Family, to me, is the group of people you surround yourself by, biological or not, that love you unconditionally. This doesn't mean that they don't have expectations for you. This also doesn't mean you are always right with them. Unconditional love doesn't necessarily mean you can do no harm or wrong. But you run a fine line trying to be supportive but also corrective. I can tell you from personal experience on many occasions that my own family (whomever that may be) has crossed the line into being too corrective. Someone in my family once told me that each family has its own set of morals and expectations. Problems arise within the family when one member chooses not to follow those expectations and boundaries. While I understand what was trying to be explained, I think in this last week I have come to realize what was truly meant.

A family member is no more when they chose to no longer love those unconditionally in the family. A perfect example: recently I was hurt deeply by one in my family. Words cannot fathom how difficult the days following the incident were. And over time that pain turned to anger, and suddenly anger was turning to rejection. I had no desire to be a part of this family any longer. But it wasn't until I received sound advice and had time to ponder what had happened that I realized I was beginning to not love my family unconditionally. No matter what had been done or said, no matter how hurtful or hypocritical, were I to shut down and divorce myself from the family I would no longer be loving them unconditionally. The rift that was occurring wasn't happening because of any choices I had made. It wasn't happening because rules or boundaries were being broken, nor because expectations were set too high. No, it was happening because both sides had stopped loving the other unconditionally. No matter who "committed it first" the sin was ours to bear together. And were neither of us to acknowledge that then there would have been a great divorce. So ugly and so painful I'd like not to think on it.

But if a group of people or a person is considered family to you, than no matter what, you will love them unconditionally. You will fight for a relationship no matter what mistakes or hurtful things are said or done. You will not give up. Because giving up is not loving unconditionally. And not loving unconditionally means you are not family.

Washing Machine

There are so many things I want to write right now. I am inundated with a wild mix of emotions that I can't seem to control. They are whirling inside me like a washing machine. Random ones come up to the top then spin back down only to reappear at a later time. One moment I am happy. The following I am depressed. Anger will flow up out of nowhere. Frankly, it is tiring. Because on top of all of this I am forced to move on as if everything is okay. But it isn't. And it damn sure isn't fair that I have to pretend like it is. Is this what being an adult is like? Because I feel like a thirteen year old tween girl going through her first PMS session.

I always wonder if I do a good job hiding my emotions. Is it a tight lid I have on that washing machine of mine? Or is the lid flopping open as the suds pour down the sides in all directions. Am I leaving a trail behind me that people can follow and see the random changes in colors? First blue suds that fade away to green and then to red. Something is clearly out of balance causing everything to escape. And I wish I could say it was just one thing. But there are so many factors in my life right now contributing to this carousel of feelings. Round and round I go, what emotions come up I will never ever know. What is powering this carousel? Family, work, bills, friends, alcohol, sex, TV, housing, which basically means everything.

But I will prevail. It sucks in this moment, but I can remember moments just as dark. And here I am, able to remember those moments. Some day in the future that washing machine will balance out. Things will cycle at a normal pace and I won't have to keep a lid on all that is swirling inside because it will be the regular machine it should be. We all get out of balance periodically in our lives. Sometimes it feels as though everything has been tilted on its head. But no matter now many suds or their color that comes leaking out, in the end things right and the cycle moves on.

Final Round

And so it happened again. But this fight wasn't fair from the start. I wasn't prepared for what was going to happen. And the blow this time, it was a surefire KO. You were so sneaky with it too. I had no idea it was coming. Hidden behind a swath of parries and false jabs it left me clear and open for the taking. I definitely felt my entire body crush under the blow. I have been hit hard before, but never like this. This was personal, this was intimate. My body slammed to the floor. Blood and sweat dripped from my lower lip. I tried to focus but everything was fading in and out, spinning around. And that ache. My whole body was on fire in pain from the blow. Or was it the humiliation of what had just happened?

I felt as though all eyes were on me. Inquisitive looks gave away the thoughts everyone was trying to hide... Is he going to make it? Was this it? It had been such a long and drawn out fight that it certainly couldn't be over this quickly. I put my gloves onto the floor and tried to push up. There is no way this is going to work out. My left hand slipped in a puddle of sweat and I slammed back down on the ground. I hear the count. And it is over with.

You know, it is funny. I swore these fights were over. But you kept coming back with more. But that was the final round. I am walking away. With that blow you told me it would be my own undoing that forced me to walk away. But no, you are wrong. And even though in the ring you won, you lost outside. Because you lost me. I can only take so many blows from you. In the coming months you will start to ask yourself, was it worth it?