Try not to think about it
But you remind
That we are heading in the wrong direction
You make me sick and tired
No never learn
You put yourself on top and that just makes me
Slip and slide and wish my heart away
Come a time when I don't feel like crawling
I try to do right until my heart breaks
In need of repair, it won't be you I'm calling
Try to take me down
I'll be right up
'cause you aim too low
And I've had enough
Always been top rated
You think you can change it?
Think that you can change it?
Top top top top rated
-Lyrics by Icona Pop
28.11.12
9.11.12
Missed Connection: Truth and reality
...if I even had an ounce of courage to do so. You see, I've made a complete fool of myself in your eyes. I either tried too hard, or didn't try hard enough to convey to you how much I love you; the happiness I feel when we talked, and especially when we saw each other. Your spell over me is quite heavy, as I feel it just as much if not even more now. Yes, even after not seeing each other in over 6 months, and not talking the last few months. I either totally scared you away, or totally repulsed you. Probably the latter, honestly. And I'm completely embarrassed and mortified about that.
It wasn't your fault. My feelings for you are so powerful, I didn't know how to express them. I remember saying that if we didn't work out, that I could acknowledge that and still be your friend. But I couldn't. Not after knowing you were giving your attention to someone else. I'd already known that, but the written words crumbled my world. I'd made an utter fool of myself in your eyes, and there was nothing I could do about it. Nothing I could say that could change your mind.
I apologize for not keeping my end of the bargain and remaining an active friend to you. But you'd have to feel what I'm feeling, just for 5 minutes, to fully understand how devastated I've been feeling. I can't even talk to you and treat you as a friend, I'm so ashamed. I hope you can understand this. I also wish you knew how nothing has changed for me regarding you. I still love you and cherish you with all that I have in me. Even more so since we've been apart. I ache for you. I wanted you... in every aspect of life. My best friend, a passionate lover....a partner in everything. I'd still want that, but I can only bring myself to speak to you in my thoughts/fantasies, and pour out my heart to your ghost lying in my arms at night, because that's safe...I can't get hurt that way. But the oxymoron of that is that I do hurt more.
Perhaps I'll save this letter, and rehearse it. Maybe even memorize it. Aw, f**k it, I'm better at winging it anyway. But perhaps one day I'll see you. And perhaps I'd get to say these words I've typed here to your beautiful face. I really would like to. Holding back a love like this is like trying to hold back a tsunami with an umbrella. I love you...always, Beautiful lady..always.
It wasn't your fault. My feelings for you are so powerful, I didn't know how to express them. I remember saying that if we didn't work out, that I could acknowledge that and still be your friend. But I couldn't. Not after knowing you were giving your attention to someone else. I'd already known that, but the written words crumbled my world. I'd made an utter fool of myself in your eyes, and there was nothing I could do about it. Nothing I could say that could change your mind.
I apologize for not keeping my end of the bargain and remaining an active friend to you. But you'd have to feel what I'm feeling, just for 5 minutes, to fully understand how devastated I've been feeling. I can't even talk to you and treat you as a friend, I'm so ashamed. I hope you can understand this. I also wish you knew how nothing has changed for me regarding you. I still love you and cherish you with all that I have in me. Even more so since we've been apart. I ache for you. I wanted you... in every aspect of life. My best friend, a passionate lover....a partner in everything. I'd still want that, but I can only bring myself to speak to you in my thoughts/fantasies, and pour out my heart to your ghost lying in my arms at night, because that's safe...I can't get hurt that way. But the oxymoron of that is that I do hurt more.
Perhaps I'll save this letter, and rehearse it. Maybe even memorize it. Aw, f**k it, I'm better at winging it anyway. But perhaps one day I'll see you. And perhaps I'd get to say these words I've typed here to your beautiful face. I really would like to. Holding back a love like this is like trying to hold back a tsunami with an umbrella. I love you...always, Beautiful lady..always.
Missed Connection: Gave you a ride 4:00am
This is so random but hey sometimes you have to throw caution to the wind and live life.... You were walking to a friends house at 17th & P and I gave you a ride for 3 blocks we spoke about your friend in a hospital ..... I just thought you had a great spirit about you... and a very caring soul.... So if for some crazy reason you have nothing better to do then to read the craigslist missed connections perhaps we can grab a cup of coffee,,,, I was going to give you my card but when we got to the destination 1725 P Street (lol) and your friend was waiting at the curb to meet you there was that akward moment where we just said goodbye..Sometimes in life you have to put it out there in the universe and see what happens...
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| Photo Courtesy editorialgirl via Flickr |
5.11.12
Single
Why are we so afraid of being alone? Why is it that we need to have someone, or some people, around us? Better yet, why is it that we associate being single as also being alone?
I know this post will speak to few of us, since probably 75% of whom I know is in some sort of relationship: marriage, dating, significant other, etc. But I want to argue against the idea that being single means you are alone. Trust me, I have been single my entire life, aside from a few casual dating moments and one almost serious relationship (that I screwed up no less). But I can say that I am not sitting here writing some melodramatic song about being alone, being heartbroken, hoping to find that special someone, etc.
Many of you will argue back that in 3 years I will have matured and will finally want to "settle down." To that, I say, I will never settle down. I will find someone, yes. And that someone will want me to stick around and be happy to be taken. But it will not be someone that will cause me to settle down. And until then, I am not alone. I think it also goes deeper than just feeling alone. Because I have seen so many of my friends who jump around from relationship to relationship. Are they really trying to find that one person? They aren't trying to be whores, that is for sure. It isn't that superficial. No, they try to validate themselves through a relationship. And that never works out. Trust me, the past two relationships I was "in" were ones where I was trying to validate who I was through the relationship I was pursuing. And that isn't healthy nor does it work.
But it is this relentless pursuit that causes us to ignore the reality that we may be pursuing a relationship solely for our own validation. We need to ignore the pressure around us and make sure that when we do dive into a commitment with another human, it is in a manner that reflects a validation of each other. Until then, remain single. Date casually, but remain single. Don't dive into commitment until you know that when you take that leap there is a desire to validate the other person in the relationship. I honestly think there would be less relationships in number, but more successful ones if we all followed this idea.
Don't get me wrong, I am no professional at relationships: I have never been in a serious, committed relationship. But it has been my experience in failed after failed dating situation, on either part, that has taught me to reflect first on what my intentions are. And it takes time to determine that in any relationship. Which is why we don't become best friends with another right away. So lets not do the same with boyfriends and girlfriends. But when we do:
Many of you will argue back that in 3 years I will have matured and will finally want to "settle down." To that, I say, I will never settle down. I will find someone, yes. And that someone will want me to stick around and be happy to be taken. But it will not be someone that will cause me to settle down. And until then, I am not alone. I think it also goes deeper than just feeling alone. Because I have seen so many of my friends who jump around from relationship to relationship. Are they really trying to find that one person? They aren't trying to be whores, that is for sure. It isn't that superficial. No, they try to validate themselves through a relationship. And that never works out. Trust me, the past two relationships I was "in" were ones where I was trying to validate who I was through the relationship I was pursuing. And that isn't healthy nor does it work.
4.11.12
Missed Connection - have a goodnight darlin
You stop at my work from time to time and as soon as we see eachother we both smile and don't stop smiling wish I wasn't shy when your in your car smiling up at me as I take your doller...
conFESSional: Age
I have written many posts regarding my age. I always say how much I have learned or just how mature I am. To be honest, for the last few years I have had an arrogance around me that I was mature, ready to take on the world, and what mistakes I made weren't all that bad. But because of that attitude, I look back and see just how reckless many of my decisions were. I was arrogant, selfish, rude, blunt, and all in ways I didn't have to be. No, I am not trying to beat myself up over it, but it really hit me over the last two weeks.
I am not sure what brought it on, but I began to reflect on past decisions, both recent and old. And as I remembered in detail the thought process or my actions, I see so many things that I did wrong. They are things I also didn't realize I had done incorrectly up until now. Which made me realize: I am young. More than I ever imagined. I am just 23. Sure, to a 18 year old or a senior in college that seems old. Yes, I was renting my own apartment at the age of 22. Yes, I graduated college almost 3 years ago. But I am not 50. I haven't worked in an office for 15 years. I don't know what Washington, DC was like back in 1985 much less 2001. I can't tell you what the hottest styles were back in 1991. I really haven't lived. Despite all that I have said. So my confession this week is my arrogance towards my age.
I. Don't. Know. Anything. Really. I have hurt many people, frustrated others, and angered some because of my belief that I had it all and couldn't possibly make a major mistake. Seldom did I, over the past year, think of others. And no, I am not being overdramatic. This is a blog post, so lets focus in on the issue at bay. So yes, I have been selfless at times this year. It is as if over the last two weeks a veil has lifted and I have seen what I have done that affected others. I knew they were "good" decisions for me, but I failed to recognize that they may have been "bad" decisions for others.
But with all my confessionals here, past (just one!) and future (there will be many), there is always something positive to be had from it. And that is I am moving forward being observant of the chain reaction my decisions have. And also recognizing that there are others in this world, in my life, that matter. It started this weekend: rather than booze it up, try and meet someone, eat McDonald's at 3am and then regret it all the next day, I went and spent the weekend with my parents and my 93 year old grandmother. She lost her son last November, and before I lose her, I want to spend every chance I get with her. Death has a funny hold on us (possible post later? mebbe) and it certainly has been a large part of the thinking behind this confessional.
So I confess my arrogance. I confess how my actions have failed to take into consideration others. But I celebrate my ability to recognize it and now work towards ensuring I have mostly positive effects on those that I care and love.
I am not sure what brought it on, but I began to reflect on past decisions, both recent and old. And as I remembered in detail the thought process or my actions, I see so many things that I did wrong. They are things I also didn't realize I had done incorrectly up until now. Which made me realize: I am young. More than I ever imagined. I am just 23. Sure, to a 18 year old or a senior in college that seems old. Yes, I was renting my own apartment at the age of 22. Yes, I graduated college almost 3 years ago. But I am not 50. I haven't worked in an office for 15 years. I don't know what Washington, DC was like back in 1985 much less 2001. I can't tell you what the hottest styles were back in 1991. I really haven't lived. Despite all that I have said. So my confession this week is my arrogance towards my age.
I. Don't. Know. Anything. Really. I have hurt many people, frustrated others, and angered some because of my belief that I had it all and couldn't possibly make a major mistake. Seldom did I, over the past year, think of others. And no, I am not being overdramatic. This is a blog post, so lets focus in on the issue at bay. So yes, I have been selfless at times this year. It is as if over the last two weeks a veil has lifted and I have seen what I have done that affected others. I knew they were "good" decisions for me, but I failed to recognize that they may have been "bad" decisions for others.
But with all my confessionals here, past (just one!) and future (there will be many), there is always something positive to be had from it. And that is I am moving forward being observant of the chain reaction my decisions have. And also recognizing that there are others in this world, in my life, that matter. It started this weekend: rather than booze it up, try and meet someone, eat McDonald's at 3am and then regret it all the next day, I went and spent the weekend with my parents and my 93 year old grandmother. She lost her son last November, and before I lose her, I want to spend every chance I get with her. Death has a funny hold on us (possible post later? mebbe) and it certainly has been a large part of the thinking behind this confessional.
So I confess my arrogance. I confess how my actions have failed to take into consideration others. But I celebrate my ability to recognize it and now work towards ensuring I have mostly positive effects on those that I care and love.
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