Re: Crude Post

Do we find something beautiful for the beauty of it, or because it is different? Or is it because it's different that makes it beautiful?

I am at a point in my life full of uncertainty and different-ness things... does that make sense? I suppose that word just cements me being stuck in a generation swallowed up in a degradation of the English language.. whatever. A good friend and family member mentioned to me a while ago that I appear to be running, trying to find something. What that is or how accurate it is, I honestly don't know. I am beginning to think it might be quite accurate.

I think a lot of my actions these past 12 months have been out of "habit." The fact is that for the last three years my life has been in nothing but a transient state. 14 countries, a trip to Houston, a trip to Boston, three different jobs in the last 9 months alone. If it isn't me running, it most certainly is my life. But is this all a form of self-defense or merely how my life is?

I'd argue both. Subconsciously I believe that constantly moving will keep people at bay. Get close, but never too close, because I will be gone before you know it. Unfortunately for a few, they fall in line with my pace, catch up, and somehow keep me still for extended periods. Suddenly when things seem to be slowing down, I stand up and begin running again. I hate it. Yet I love it. It's like a self-depricating cycle that I enjoy to some degree.

But at the same time, my life is out of control. Not necessarily in a bad way. Actually, let me rephrase that: my life has never been in my control. Again, that isn't supposed to be a bad thing. Maybe some would say that the effects of such a life are negative (reread the paragraph above) but I think for the most part, my life has been nothing but a search for beauty. For the most part my life has been nothing but a search for what is different.

I thrive in a culture unfamiliar. I make better friends with complete strangers who barely speak the same language. I understand those that come from thousands of miles away. And I get more out of life when I don't understand it. And I think that is because one major aspect to relationships is lacking in said situations: trust

I constantly search for beauty and for difference because I don't trust that what I see today will be there tomorrow. I thrive in a situation with strangers because I don't have to trust them. I trust me, and myself alone.

The title here isn't retracting what I said before. Just add this as another layer to the large cake we will call my thoughts. (Strawberries in the middle of a lemon cake with vanilla icing). Now that is beauty that will never go away :)

*fin