*fin
22.9.11
Re: Crude Post
Do we find something beautiful for the beauty of it, or because it is different? Or is it because it's different that makes it beautiful?
I am at a point in my life full of uncertainty and different-ness things... does that make sense? I suppose that word just cements me being stuck in a generation swallowed up in a degradation of the English language.. whatever. A good friend and family member mentioned to me a while ago that I appear to be running, trying to find something. What that is or how accurate it is, I honestly don't know. I am beginning to think it might be quite accurate.
I think a lot of my actions these past 12 months have been out of "habit." The fact is that for the last three years my life has been in nothing but a transient state. 14 countries, a trip to Houston, a trip to Boston, three different jobs in the last 9 months alone. If it isn't me running, it most certainly is my life. But is this all a form of self-defense or merely how my life is?
I'd argue both. Subconsciously I believe that constantly moving will keep people at bay. Get close, but never too close, because I will be gone before you know it. Unfortunately for a few, they fall in line with my pace, catch up, and somehow keep me still for extended periods. Suddenly when things seem to be slowing down, I stand up and begin running again. I hate it. Yet I love it. It's like a self-depricating cycle that I enjoy to some degree.
But at the same time, my life is out of control. Not necessarily in a bad way. Actually, let me rephrase that: my life has never been in my control. Again, that isn't supposed to be a bad thing. Maybe some would say that the effects of such a life are negative (reread the paragraph above) but I think for the most part, my life has been nothing but a search for beauty. For the most part my life has been nothing but a search for what is different.
I thrive in a culture unfamiliar. I make better friends with complete strangers who barely speak the same language. I understand those that come from thousands of miles away. And I get more out of life when I don't understand it. And I think that is because one major aspect to relationships is lacking in said situations: trust
I constantly search for beauty and for difference because I don't trust that what I see today will be there tomorrow. I thrive in a situation with strangers because I don't have to trust them. I trust me, and myself alone.
The title here isn't retracting what I said before. Just add this as another layer to the large cake we will call my thoughts. (Strawberries in the middle of a lemon cake with vanilla icing). Now that is beauty that will never go away :)
*fin
I am at a point in my life full of uncertainty and different-ness things... does that make sense? I suppose that word just cements me being stuck in a generation swallowed up in a degradation of the English language.. whatever. A good friend and family member mentioned to me a while ago that I appear to be running, trying to find something. What that is or how accurate it is, I honestly don't know. I am beginning to think it might be quite accurate.
I think a lot of my actions these past 12 months have been out of "habit." The fact is that for the last three years my life has been in nothing but a transient state. 14 countries, a trip to Houston, a trip to Boston, three different jobs in the last 9 months alone. If it isn't me running, it most certainly is my life. But is this all a form of self-defense or merely how my life is?
I'd argue both. Subconsciously I believe that constantly moving will keep people at bay. Get close, but never too close, because I will be gone before you know it. Unfortunately for a few, they fall in line with my pace, catch up, and somehow keep me still for extended periods. Suddenly when things seem to be slowing down, I stand up and begin running again. I hate it. Yet I love it. It's like a self-depricating cycle that I enjoy to some degree.
But at the same time, my life is out of control. Not necessarily in a bad way. Actually, let me rephrase that: my life has never been in my control. Again, that isn't supposed to be a bad thing. Maybe some would say that the effects of such a life are negative (reread the paragraph above) but I think for the most part, my life has been nothing but a search for beauty. For the most part my life has been nothing but a search for what is different.
I thrive in a culture unfamiliar. I make better friends with complete strangers who barely speak the same language. I understand those that come from thousands of miles away. And I get more out of life when I don't understand it. And I think that is because one major aspect to relationships is lacking in said situations: trust
I constantly search for beauty and for difference because I don't trust that what I see today will be there tomorrow. I thrive in a situation with strangers because I don't have to trust them. I trust me, and myself alone.
The title here isn't retracting what I said before. Just add this as another layer to the large cake we will call my thoughts. (Strawberries in the middle of a lemon cake with vanilla icing). Now that is beauty that will never go away :)
*fin
15.9.11
Beautiful Life
I love the cool breeze that fall brings this time of year. The refreshing respite from the oppressive heat of August is welcomed. I love how the haze clears and suddenly the sky is a brighter blue than it was two days before. Like someone just changed your prescription for glasses, the entire world becomes clearer. A hugh sigh is released by nature as the coolness begins to settle in.
I love the sunsets of the fall. Short, and quick, but full of color and wonder. Deep reds and oranges mix with honey yellow and bright pink fighting against the cold dark purples and blacks that begin to stretch onward into the hour. The shadows begin to grow, casting dark oblong patterns on an earth preparing for a long and deep sleep. It is peaceful and almost puts me to sleep. But not just any sleep; a deep and renewing sleep.
Fall is a time of change I used to dread. Fall meant the coming months of death and decay. Cold harsh winters with bitter cold temperatures and nothing but slumbering dead trees around. Yet it began to take on a completely different meaning for me last year. Suddenly, fall wasn't the coming of something bad, but of something good: change. Just as summer is only temporary, so is winter. And spring and fall are the flux in between, a dichotomy of fluctuations. I think because I find change so beautiful, and last fall was a drastic change for me, I find fall so beautiful. But even more so is what fall brings: winter. And for perhaps the first time in my life, I am looking forward to winter. (That'll change come mid January). The cold weather is invigorating and it reminds us that we are alive. Around us is nothing but death and slumber, but we soldier on, alive, warm, and awake. That is exciting and beautiful in and of itself. The resilience of our bodies to harsh weathers and how recognizing that can be exhilarating.
So as spring reminds us of the coming colors, smells, and growth that signifies external life, fall reminds us of the coming cold, sleep, and blandness that signifies internal life. Both are beautiful.
*fin
I love the sunsets of the fall. Short, and quick, but full of color and wonder. Deep reds and oranges mix with honey yellow and bright pink fighting against the cold dark purples and blacks that begin to stretch onward into the hour. The shadows begin to grow, casting dark oblong patterns on an earth preparing for a long and deep sleep. It is peaceful and almost puts me to sleep. But not just any sleep; a deep and renewing sleep.
Fall is a time of change I used to dread. Fall meant the coming months of death and decay. Cold harsh winters with bitter cold temperatures and nothing but slumbering dead trees around. Yet it began to take on a completely different meaning for me last year. Suddenly, fall wasn't the coming of something bad, but of something good: change. Just as summer is only temporary, so is winter. And spring and fall are the flux in between, a dichotomy of fluctuations. I think because I find change so beautiful, and last fall was a drastic change for me, I find fall so beautiful. But even more so is what fall brings: winter. And for perhaps the first time in my life, I am looking forward to winter. (That'll change come mid January). The cold weather is invigorating and it reminds us that we are alive. Around us is nothing but death and slumber, but we soldier on, alive, warm, and awake. That is exciting and beautiful in and of itself. The resilience of our bodies to harsh weathers and how recognizing that can be exhilarating.
So as spring reminds us of the coming colors, smells, and growth that signifies external life, fall reminds us of the coming cold, sleep, and blandness that signifies internal life. Both are beautiful.
*fin
13.9.11
Caution: CRUDE post
WARNING: If you think Sarah Palin is God, then disregard this post. Block it from your memory like Catholics do with homosexuality and pedophilia. BUT if you want an open honest confession of emotion, read on. Don't say I didn't warn you.
It is quite possible the reason this post will make no sense is that my thoughts right now are really scattered and confusing. On one end, I want to write some philosophically ground-breaking post with some political stigma thrown in along with a pinch of sarcasm. While, on the other, I want to spoon in some "I don't care" and add a dash of, well quite frankly.. fuck you (sorry for the french)
The fact is that I am my own culprit. And it is only I that has put me into this predicament. It has made my life quite interesting these last few weeks. I get short bursts of extreme passion for the most random crap. Just today I burst into a tirade against Rick Perry (who is a COMPLETE idiot.. see? it is coming back!) on the train. My dad, dismayed by such a public outcry occurring on the train sort of passively tried to reign me in. But not more than a minute later, I would have rather shoveled horse shit than talk about him (Perry that is, how dare you think I'd talk about my father that way!). It is sort of a compulsive burst of passion that fluctuates as much as Obama's stance on.. anything (well maybe more John Kerry, Obama can't seem to make a stance at all).
For a whopping two weeks I was so passionate about metro escalators. If you want to RIDE the escalator, you use the RIGHT. If you want to WALK up the escalator, you use the LEFT. I would never say anything or awkwardly poke people's bodies in a non-subtle way, but it would enflame my mind with anger towards tourism, the federal government, and fried plantains. Yet today, as I was getting bumped and hit by people literally sprinting to the escalator to get there first, I slowed down. Slllloooowwweeeed dooooowwwwnnnn.
Some days it is as if I am a ticking time bomb, good or bad (poor guy at McDonald's this morning, whom I should be thanking in that his mistake kept me from consuming 1 trillion calories but I instead chewed out for giving me bacon instead of sausage. I fucking hate bacon). Non-profits should just pay for me as a consultant for 3 hrs and then hire a PR team for the next 3 to defend themselves from me.
Am I bipolar? How about, am I rude? Yes. But bipolar? No. I am just a complex person. I have emotions too. Be nice to me.
What was the point of such an obnoxious, inappropriate post? I am being true, I am being honest, I am being real. Hell, that is what you signed up for by coming here. I am done with the fake. Done with the flake. Done with the rude. It is ironic that people call me that all the time, because the fact is that I am just real, just being me. No I am not an asshole about it. But apparently I still come off rude and flakey. I think it has more to do with them than with me: it is an inward focus on a desire to feel good about yourself (what a parasitic way to look at any relationship...). I don't want to pretend to like you. I want to really like you. I don't want to pretend that we are friends. I want to be friends. But if it isn't working, I won't try and pretend it is. I can only be as real as I am. You must be real too. And until you can post something like this, I don't think we can ever be friends.
*********DISCLAIMER**********
Oh snap, a lot of you will disagree with this. Most will probably think one of the following:
1) What an asshole
2) What a young asshole
3) What a young naive asshole
4) What a prick
Well then you totally missed the point of this post. I wasn't trying to offend anyone. I will. I have to admit the post was a tad inappropriate. But for those of you that are upset and offended, I beg you to answer this question:
What sort of thoughts have you had before you haven't shared with anyone because they were rude, inappropriate, or just plain nasty?
*fin
*fin
5.9.11
Hidden motives + protection
You ever walk down the street just people watching? I love to people watch. Seeing the different shades of colors in skin, the styles of clothing that speak volumes about one's life. Take the girl that dyes her hair some god-forsaken color. Her desire to be noticed is also her desire to keep distance between anyone. The boy with the skinny jeans and the torn t-shirt, sunglasses positioned amongst his ruffled hair? Does it really imply he doesn't care about his appearance, or in his attempt to not care he ends up caring more than most? Are those two holding hands because they are in love? Or do they feel the pressure to find someone significant to cling to? Why does that boy wear the cardigan from Forever 21, with heels, lipstick, and a nice fake pearl necklace? Does he truly feel like a she? Or is he starving for the attention that comes with cross dressing?
Am I really writing these posts because I feel I can change the world with my narrow perspective? Or do I do it merely because I can post them on Facebook and wait for some public praise by a friend who is really only doing it out of obligation for the friendship, when deep down they could really give a crap.
This post seems so disillusioned and depressed. I assure it is not. Rather, I ask that we take time to find out our motives in life. Why do we do the things we do? Most likely, the first answer that comes to mind when we ask ourselves is not going to be the true response. Truth lies in the heart, and the heart is a deceitful being. Not necessarily in a bad way, more in a protective way.
I believe a lot of our choices aren't our own. Sure, they come from us, but do we actively understand why we make the choices we make? No. And we shouldn't pretend to either. But then we also shouldn't begin to judge others based off the decisions they make. No, I am not talking about good, close family and friends that make poor decisions. By all means, call them out. But when you see someone pass by on the street and they aren't dressed the way you are, it isn't wrong. It isn't right. And you have no idea why they made that decision to dress that way. Much so they most likely don't know the true reasoning behind it.
A personal example where I do know the true reasoning behind it. I have four or five very close friends, then hundreds of what I would call "acquaintances." Unfortunately, most people don't see it that way. They see me as a good friend and end up being greatly disappointed by me. Many just think I am a complete jerk who is inconsiderate of others. The fact is that I trust few. And had those people taken the time to get to know me, learn of my past and understand why I don't trust people, then the ugly situations we find ourselves in wouldn't have occurred.
Again, this is not supposed to be some negative post. Rather, I just plead with you all, when you see someone make a decision, be it a stranger or friend, and be it an action or a choice, before you cast judgement, take time to learn more about that person. You may find out why they did what they did, and not only will you avoid conflict, but you may just further a relationship.
*fin
Am I really writing these posts because I feel I can change the world with my narrow perspective? Or do I do it merely because I can post them on Facebook and wait for some public praise by a friend who is really only doing it out of obligation for the friendship, when deep down they could really give a crap.
This post seems so disillusioned and depressed. I assure it is not. Rather, I ask that we take time to find out our motives in life. Why do we do the things we do? Most likely, the first answer that comes to mind when we ask ourselves is not going to be the true response. Truth lies in the heart, and the heart is a deceitful being. Not necessarily in a bad way, more in a protective way.
I believe a lot of our choices aren't our own. Sure, they come from us, but do we actively understand why we make the choices we make? No. And we shouldn't pretend to either. But then we also shouldn't begin to judge others based off the decisions they make. No, I am not talking about good, close family and friends that make poor decisions. By all means, call them out. But when you see someone pass by on the street and they aren't dressed the way you are, it isn't wrong. It isn't right. And you have no idea why they made that decision to dress that way. Much so they most likely don't know the true reasoning behind it.
A personal example where I do know the true reasoning behind it. I have four or five very close friends, then hundreds of what I would call "acquaintances." Unfortunately, most people don't see it that way. They see me as a good friend and end up being greatly disappointed by me. Many just think I am a complete jerk who is inconsiderate of others. The fact is that I trust few. And had those people taken the time to get to know me, learn of my past and understand why I don't trust people, then the ugly situations we find ourselves in wouldn't have occurred.
Again, this is not supposed to be some negative post. Rather, I just plead with you all, when you see someone make a decision, be it a stranger or friend, and be it an action or a choice, before you cast judgement, take time to learn more about that person. You may find out why they did what they did, and not only will you avoid conflict, but you may just further a relationship.
*fin
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