I am my own best mentor*

Why is it that we can be the best advice for others yet chose to act like a little child standing there in front of you, red faced yelling "LA LA LA" with their ears plugged by respective index fingers? My best friend Gypsy and I joke all the time as we talk about the ways of life about how we never listen to the advice that we give each other. And it seems I have been that little child so many times over the past few months.

But the funny thing is what happened as a result of it all. I have been in a little funk of no one's doing and I couldn't seem to shake it. Until I had an open and honest conversation with a good friend that it hit me like a brick wall. No, make that cement. Suddenly I could recall the countless times in the past I had given this certain strain advice to others. Literally, saw past events flashing by, as if someone had taken a recording of me making a mistake over and over again and forcing me to watch it for hours. And while it took me a few moments to digest it as I walked away and contemplated what had been spoken both physically and mentally, I suddenly felt this emotion of sadness lifted. Why?

I was suddenly free of this inwardly-focused state of mind and could take things from the proper perspective. I saw the good in the situation. I could see the potential there. And it excited me. I could see how I had been challenged in this situation. And I could see the positive outcome that had already come from it and just how much I had changed in just a few short months. And that is a good thing.

So now I need to go forward and unplug those ears, stop yelling as loud as I can to overcome that voice, and listen to the advice I can give myself. Because I know a thing or two it seems.


*full disclaimer: as some don't get my humor, there is sarcasm in the title and last line or two.. maybe just a little...

Clarity

I thought each year of age brought about more clarity and certainty. But I am beginning to see just how naive that idea is. In just the few weeks of turning a quarter century it seems I've found myself in more quandaries than not.

I suppose it deals with the fact that as you get older you begin to become more self aware. In fact, I'd wager that it isn't until your 20s, when you are finally faced with full responsibility of your life, do you begin to actually understand things you say and do. Your perception of yourself increases.

Sadly, for me, I've seen on numerous occasions over the past few months where I have become self-aware in the midst of different situations. And in many cases it appears to be too late. I get that hindsight before it becomes hindsight but after it could have been perception of what was to unfold. And the majority of times I could have made different choices that could have prevented, or even encouraged, behaviors.

What's all this to say? Nothing really. It is merely an observation of the transformative years I have been through and will move into. I suppose it is also an expression of frustration. Frustration because it seems my heart and mind are disconnected but slowly on a path to reconnect as I become more and more self aware. And until that happens, that dissonance will be an issue. 

Walls

There comes a time in your life periodically when you must answer to the decisions you made. I cannot explain why the results of choices can be so delayed, but they are quite frequently. Be it a mere hour after your choice or 6 months or even 10 years after the fact.

And sometimes when you are forced to face with the repercussions, either good or bad, it comes in small doses. Often you are eased into the result. But what seems to be the most frequent way to come across this need to answer to your choices is to be hit in a way that feels like running into a brick wall. One where the builder took the time to make sure each brick was in solid formation and no air gaps existed between the next. And it just happens to be the one time you decide to charge full steam ahead, running, gasping for air as your body reacts to the sudden physical push forward. Your legs ache, your lungs ache more, and as your start to sweat small beads down your forehead the wall appears out of nowhere.

The next thing you know you have a massive pounding in your head. The world slowly comes around with the colors taking their normal hue, sounds that were muffled begin to slowly harden to clearer strands, and your mind begins to clear and remember what just happened. Then you have to struggle to overcome the aches in your body to push yourself up. You groan a little with your body as it struggles to gain its footing. And then you begin to limp off.

No correlation seems to exist between the apparent size of the decision that had been made and the scope of the repercussion. I have made small and seemingly minute decisions that have built walls 5 feet thick, 100 feet tall, and ten miles long. Yet I have made decisions that altered my course in life that contain walls but 4 feet high and even some that are wooden that one can merely hurdle over.

Yet the takeaway from all of this isn't confusion or an understanding that decisions cause repercussions of all sizes and varying lengths. No, the takeaway is the despite the hardness of the wall, the resiliency of the human spirit prevails. We continually get up, ignore the aches, brush off our clothes and start the run again.

Back in Business

So I am back. It has been a while, but it is time to start this back up. I look at the past 6/7 months as a break from a lot. I took a break from drinking and partying. A break from heavy socializing. A break from interaction. It was 6 months that I needed to myself. So much happened that I don't think I could really handle much externally. And that is a good thing. But with a major change happening in my life in just 8 days, I think it is time for me to open up again.

Photo Credit: Judy van der Velden

I have moved twice. I am changing jobs. I have a new nephew. I made the decision to stick to my city (DC) and to make something of my life here. Which is a huge step for me. Because I usually run. I usually get bored or scared of being too tied down, and yet I decided to stay, at least for a few more years. This has been the longest I have stayed in one city in 4 years. And it has been almost two here in the DC area. And the biggest change of them all? I chose to spend the last 6 months dedicated to spending time with those close to me. I saw my 93 year old grandmother three times in just the past few weeks alone. I gave up some parties here in DC, time with my 20 something socialites, to spend with a woman who has lost one of her sons and could pass away at any time. Morbid? Not at all. I don't fear death. I don't necessarily embrace it either, but it is a part of life, and should be celebrated.

Now is the time for me to be focused again externally. I took time off to focus on myself. To be reflective and give myself time to process what had happened over the previous 12 months. Because no one told me that your early 20s were perhaps the most transformative time ever. Certainly my 30s will be even more so, as will the 40s and 50s, but I wasn't prepared. And that isn't a bad thing. But I needed to pause, breathe, and prepare for the next few years.

And looking back on the last 2 years, I have changed so much. I am slower to react, more patient, and also more daring. I have more respect for others, and I am attempting to be more intentional with my relationships. And I have learned to be happier in all situations. That is the hardest for me. I find myself too easily falling into a thought process of negative emotions when there is so much joy and good around me. My latest move is a perfect example. I moved from DC to the 'burbs of Maryland. Which, ironically enough, there is a higher population density where I live now then when I was in DC. But numbers aside, I hated it at first. I had no friends here. Work is further for me. And it isn't the District.

But then, one day, I read on a local blog that one of my favorite DC restaurants was opening up a location here. Then I found out my new eye doctor was right around the corner. And that everything was just 5 minutes walking distance from my apartment. There are concerts on Friday evenings right around the block. And I do have some friends nearby and could make more. I slowly began to discover the good things about the area. I had been so dismissive, so quick to judge my new home, that I failed to even recognize the good here. Good that already exists and good through potential challenges that will change me, like making new friends.

So what other areas have I dismissed in my life? Honestly? My weight/body. My personality. My financial situation and job. And my relationships. Which is why it is so fitting that this post is the first back from my unplanned break. I am back in business with this blog. But I am also reopening my thoughts to anyone that cares to read. To encourage personal reflection through my honesty.

I am flipping that sign in the window, lifting up the shades, letting the sunlight in, dusting off the interior, sweeping the floors, polishing it up and getting ready for a brand new rush.

Carousel

Agony. That is the first word that comes to mind right now. Well, that and frustration. Frustration that it isn't fair. It always comes up at the most inopportune times. I am supposed to be happy right now. Things really couldn't be better for me. I have a bright future ahead of me. I am living with one of my best friends in the entire world. I have a group of loving and supportive people around me. And I have come to perhaps one of the most exciting revelations about my life this month. I have conquered much and learned even more. And I know there is so much more to learn and conquer.

So why now? Why at 10:30 at night when I am trying to fall asleep and still my heart does this come? It isn't like I have avoided this up until now. Sure, there are times I push it down and procrastinate. But I have attempted to process through these emotions before. Besides, I didn't ask for them. These aren't emotions resulting from my own poor decisions. I was taken advantage of and now am left to pick up the pieces and hope I can fit them back together. But just like any shattered piece of glass, there are always those small tiny pieces you never can find again.

I am tired of waking up and dreading another day. I haven't dealt with this in many months. I am tired. But most of my exhaustion isn't from the emotions. It is from the frustrating carousel I am stuck on. Round and round I go, up and down and with each slow rotation I am confronted with my past again and again. It is like a sick sideshow for someone else to watch. And I know of two people who were the ones to force me onto this tormenting ride. And they walked away, completely unaffected. Hell, I doubt they even know just how much they affected me. Nights that I wake up in terror from nightmares. How my skin crawls at simple body contact. How the idea of someone coming from behind me terrifies me. How there can be so much joy in my life, but mere memories consume my mind and paralyze me in so many ways.

Sure, call me a baby. Tell me I am being over dramatic. I don't care. Few people know or understand what I am going through. I have written about all of this before and while it may sound like a broken record and it may frustrate you to read this again, imagine what it is it like for me. I am tired of the memories. I am tired of the anger. I am tired of the fear. I want to move on. I want to break free of this. I want to be normal again. I want that part of my life back. I want to be happy.