There is this one question that always lingers in the back of my head. Never nagging, it sort of just sits there and reminds me periodically.

What will people remember me for?


Is it my brashness? My quickness to anger? My wild emotions? My sociable personality? Or how about my willingness to try new things? I guess deep down this question really begs to tell me that I tend to care what other people think about me. But I really don't consider this a shallow social kind of worry. Because you really only need to get to know me over the course of a few hours to learn that I act and behave in ways that reflect a person who really could care less if you thought him odd, strange, goofy, awesome, angry, or all of the above. And it isn't arrogance either (though arrogant I am).

No, I think it is more a self-awareness. I worry because I understand that my actions can and do affect others. How I came about to this source of self-awareness is certainly debated in my head. But I think a lot of it has to do with how I have been affected greatly by other people's decisions.

Just this morning, in a stupor from a lack of sleep and slight hangovers, two of my best friends and I were discussing just how much we have changed since high school. How those that were the popular and well-known have almost become wallflowers and those that were wallflowers (us certainly not being wallflowers but carrying more traits in common with them) have almost become the prominent, outgoing, and well-known socialites. I used to be one to sit by, and react to things that happened to me. But when I suddenly discovered that it really didn't seem to work out in a favorable way, I made a change. I became proactive. I made decisions and choices. And I began to demand more from myself.

Be as it may, that also means I affect people more often now. And I need to be conscious of my actions and words. For if I sit here and make both positive and negative comments about how many have affected me greatly, I need to understand I do the same to others. I'm not talking about the stereotypical "set an example by not doing drugs, being athletic, going to bible study, etc." I am talking about a holistic approach that involves a life with conscious decisions and careful actions to reflect how I truly want to be reflected. For in reality, people remember me for being me. And I need to be the me I want to be.

Voice

What voice dictates your life? Where do you find the passion to speak? Is it out of anger, jealousy, sadness, hope, or none of the above? Take this observation from this evening. I was at the Apple store waiting for a friend to wrap up helping a customer when a man walked in. Greeted by the first employee, he said he wanteded to purchase a care plan for his iPad. He was directed off ahead to a fellow employee. I resumed passing time drooling over the slew of aluminum Macs in front of me. Starting to feel my nerves being rewired to force me to drop $1400 on something I really didn't need, I was thankfully saved by a fit of rage encroaching my right ear. I look up to see a group of Apple employees standing by the same man who was quite upset. For whatever reason, he was denied a care plan. He yelled, asking for corporate on the phone, saying he was mistreated and lied to. My first reaction? What an arrogant prick. How can he be upset that his $700 toy won't be covered from accidental damage when there are literally thousands each day eying from starvation, infectious diseases, and war? Then I had two immediate reactions. One, the obvious one that happens often, was realizing that I am in no place to judge. I have had my own White Whine moments. (One involving heavy drama over which MacBook I was to purchase. Pretty sure in the amount of time I stressed over that decision I could have built an entire school in Kenya). But I digress. The second reaction was this, his words come from some sort of emotion, as all of our words do. What if he was just an arrogant jerk? Or what if he had just bought this for his autistic son and was worried his boy might break it accidentally? What if he had just come from the courthouse, finishing up a settlement in a nasty divorce case? But beyond my reaction, it really got me thinking. Rather than focus on what I am saying, I need to ask myself from what emotion am I speaking these words? Because that is the root of it all. When I respond to a driver cutting me off, is it because I a, quick tempered or because there is an underlying frustration with being ignored and seen as second rate. If we truly want to change who we are, and how we react to situations, it is best not to see how we react to situations, but why. Is it out of jealousy or anger? Why did I flip that dumb Northern Virginia driver off? Why do I honk my horn when someone doesn't start off a green light fast enough? That is impatience, where is it coming from. We cannot free ourselves from our emotions until we have asked the tough questions. We cannot break away from emotions until we understand them. And when we finally understand the source if our emotions can we mature, level out, and start a life dictated by our decisions and not our fledgling hearts.

Country Road

I talk very, very fast. It is probably one of the first things people notice about me. Therapy years ago told me that it was because I struggled to feel as though I had a voice with my family. Sure, I lacked some serious confidence growing up. But now, I probably am way too overconfident. I am blunt and aggressive. No, I think now my mind is running a mile a minute, constantly contemplating, observing, remembering, forgetting, processing, well, you get the picture. A lot of times I find myself having to explain what I just stated to a group of friends, me being 30 seconds ahead in the conversation.


Okay, so we have established that I am crazy. But what does anyone else care? Either you have known for years, and if you didn't, it doesn't really matter. Because I have trouble slowing down. Life is quick for me. I get bored easily. And I grow tired just as fast. There are some positive outcomes from this. But there are also negative ones. I grow impatient. I begin to lose relationships merely because I get so distracted I fail to maintain contact. I also find myself with more anger. I speed more. I honk more. I get frustrated often.

My doctor told me the other day I had high blood pressure. Rest assured, it was because I was late for the appointment, had this whole ordeal getting to the office, and so I was stressed. Sure enough, a week later my blood pressure was fine. My stress levels obviously are affecting my health. And I get stressed because I live a quick life.

So it is time to slow down. Move over from the left lane. Heck, take that next exit and drive the country road. Granted, DC has no country roads, but you get the picture. Who cares if I can see 30 miles ahead? I have those next 30 miles to enjoy what will come. I will strengthen friendships and find myself in a much better place emotionally.

Sometimes, the country road is a better alternative. For me, the next few miles will certainly be on it.