One By One

Public humiliation is the worst. I hate being embarrassed in front of others. That sinking feeling in your stomach, the knots that form in your throat. The quick glances you throw around the room trying to see who is staring at you.

Just yesterday on my way home from work I ran into such a moment. After waiting 45 minutes for a metro train to come (who knows why during rush hour it took that long) I precede to wait 25 minutes on a  bus in Columbia Heights. I am already running late from the metro, I have a long drive ahead in traffic and I didn't just spend $1.50 to waste another 20 minutes of my life. Hell, I could have walked to Mt. Pleasant in the time it took for me to take the bus. Why? Because some woman's motorized scooter was stuck on the bus and she couldn't get off. I got angry pretty fast, mainly because she seemed like she could have walked all the way to Alexandria and been just fine. So we sat and sat while the bus driver (who was flamingly gay) tried and tried to release the scooter from its strap. We waited so long that another H4 bus arrived, the one that was supposedly 30 minutes behind. At this point a few frustrated passengers had already gotten off and started walking. I wasn't going to waste my $1.50. Okay, it was really only a buck since I had transferred from the Metro, but still...

Anyways, she sat there looking around at us all. Then one by one we all jumped up and got off to get on the one that had just arrived, leaving her alone with the bus driver. How embarrassing. Is it not already humiliating enough that she had a scooter in the first place and couldn't walk properly? No, now she had to completely stop a bus and affect 20 or so commuter's schedules. And then she had to watch us all get off the bus and go on our way while she was stuck.

And none of it was her fault. Okay, she could have watched her eating and kept herself from being so overweight. And maybe she should know that her scooter needs to be tied down another way and should have mentioned it to the bus driver. But those points are irrelevant. What is relevant is my reaction to the situation. My frustration boiled and I channeled my anger towards a woman I didn't even know. The eyes of hers that darted around the room looking for people upset we in response to me. Is she a jerk for delaying me by 20 minutes? No, I am the asshole for casting judgement. The realization hit me like a brick wall as we drove away and I glanced to my left and saw her sitting in the empty bus. Alone.

Being alone is one of my biggest fears. I don't need to be around people 24/7. I can actually be a recluse. But the threat of abandonment and the humiliation that comes with it affects me most. So I empathize with her. And I sure hope she got off that bus.

But seriously, she will be ok. She got home and awoke this morning to the brisk air slowly being warmed by the warm sunrise casting long amber and gold colors across the sky. It was a new day, and she was alright. Tomorrow is a new day. And I will be alright.