The conversation had gone well so far. Aimless chatter, catching up, reminiscing about the past. It was cordial, casual, and good. The waiter came by, grabbed the clear plates and refilled my glass. I played with the condensation on the outside a little as the conversation hit a lull.
"Are you happy?"
My initial reaction was to go on the defensive, but I refrained from saying anything. If this were any other situation the question would seem amicable. But this was different. It was such a loaded question that implied so much. Passive aggressive, typical. I would have put up a serious fight any other time. But I had gotten out of bed at some god-forsaken hour to be here on time. I knew I was going to be exhausted all day so I wanted to save some energy for work.
I gave myself some time to think through a response. I had to be careful and diligent with my word choice. I couldn't seem taken aback or surprised - I am good at this game and I will win it. I must. The noise of Union Station began to creep into the diner as the rest of the city slowly woke up. Finally I knew what to say. It had seemed like an hour had passed when in reality it had only been but 15 to 20 seconds.
"Yes, I am happy" I tried to act surprised and imply that he shouldn't even be asking that question, why wouldn't I be? He seemed taken aback at first that I was so confident in my answer. I had turned the tables on him, and revealed his weakness. But I had shown my hand too early. This was just a feign with his left hand. It was a trap I fell into and had given it my all. Suddenly I was open and defenseless for his right hook.
"I wanted you to know that your mother and I don't respect your decision."
Dazed, struggling for words, this could not be the end. I needed to rebound, pull my right hand back and deliver some jab.
"I know, I never thought you did." Weak, and a parry.
"You had mentioned it before. We don't respect your decision. We allow you to make your own, as you are a grown man, but we don't respect it. And some day, you will see that you are not happy. You will come around and change your mind." Left handed hook right into my jaw. I could feel my bones slowly creaking from the pressure. Did my jaw just become dislocated?
"Ok, well that is good to know." Dammit, that was the biggest white flag I have ever flown before. I couldn't even hear the count for the K.O., it seemed to happen so quickly. Was there a mob outside the diner? All I can hear is some loud white noise filling my eardrums.
But this is just round 4 of many. You have won. I spent the rest of the day nursing my wounds, planning the next dance we will have. But we will have another. And I will be ready. But ultimately, in the end it doesn't matter. Because like any career, I can retire and move on. You may not, in fact, you probably won't. But once I have left the ring, you will be alone in the cold, empty arena, waiting for a fight that will never come. You can only fight so many times until one has had enough. And that isn't a surrender, it is being the adult and moving on from a fight that will never end. Enjoy that cold arena.
29.5.12
I need you to need me
I sometimes wonder if I bipolar disorder. One moment I am rushing ahead with a decision. The next either I deeply regret it or wish I had done something else. Other times I have taken up a new ultimatum. No more drinking. Work out everyday. Be single for an entire year. Apparently if I set my mind to something, it has to be all or nothing, no less. Yet then I find myself ignoring said ultimatums or changing my mind. I can be hot or cold. But never lukewarm. Is it a sign of immaturity? I think not, rather just my personality. And in case anyone was wondering, the first sentence was intended to bring about slight humor. I don't need to see a psychiatrist.
But what I do need is to begin to accept these two sides of me. One of my favorite shows of all time is Misfits. It is hard and long to explain the concept, I recommend everyone head over to Hulu and watch the first season. Give it multiple episodes to grasp and fully enjoy. At any rate, one of the later episodes really hit me this past week. In it, a character has the bizarre "special power" where he has a second him. There are essentially two of him. Only the second form of him only comes out during dramatic and stressful events. For example, seeing a girl that really hurt him years ago will cause the second form of him to emerge. The one, hardened and sarcastic, keeps emotions from everyone. He uses jokes and immaturity to hide the second half of him, the one that only comes out during times of distress. The second half is emotional, honest, and "weak." It is obvious the two don't get along and fight constantly. It ends up that the two, after multiple events and arguments decide they are better off without each other. And then things really fall apart. -Spoiler!- It ends up that the "weak and emotional one" saves the life of the hardened supposedly stable form.
No, I am not trying to say that weakness prevails. But what I am trying to say is that most of us, no, all of us have two basic sides to ourselves. There is the strength we all have, then the desire to be emotional, honest, and "weak." And while many of us never want to be perceived as weak, the fact is that we need that side. Who would we be without emotion and honesty? Sure there have been times I've wanted to rid myself of one side or the other. But ultimately in the end I need both. I need the strength when things get tough. And I need the openness and honesty when things get tough. I can use both sides in any combination or balance.
The acceptance that both are sources of strength and problems, and they need to be applied appropriately to our lives in any situation.
But what I do need is to begin to accept these two sides of me. One of my favorite shows of all time is Misfits. It is hard and long to explain the concept, I recommend everyone head over to Hulu and watch the first season. Give it multiple episodes to grasp and fully enjoy. At any rate, one of the later episodes really hit me this past week. In it, a character has the bizarre "special power" where he has a second him. There are essentially two of him. Only the second form of him only comes out during dramatic and stressful events. For example, seeing a girl that really hurt him years ago will cause the second form of him to emerge. The one, hardened and sarcastic, keeps emotions from everyone. He uses jokes and immaturity to hide the second half of him, the one that only comes out during times of distress. The second half is emotional, honest, and "weak." It is obvious the two don't get along and fight constantly. It ends up that the two, after multiple events and arguments decide they are better off without each other. And then things really fall apart. -Spoiler!- It ends up that the "weak and emotional one" saves the life of the hardened supposedly stable form.
No, I am not trying to say that weakness prevails. But what I am trying to say is that most of us, no, all of us have two basic sides to ourselves. There is the strength we all have, then the desire to be emotional, honest, and "weak." And while many of us never want to be perceived as weak, the fact is that we need that side. Who would we be without emotion and honesty? Sure there have been times I've wanted to rid myself of one side or the other. But ultimately in the end I need both. I need the strength when things get tough. And I need the openness and honesty when things get tough. I can use both sides in any combination or balance.
The acceptance that both are sources of strength and problems, and they need to be applied appropriately to our lives in any situation.
24.5.12
Focus on Dreams
It is funny how we can wrapped on one issue so much. We can lose focus so quickly on what is important in life. Well, at least I can. I used to use the excuse that I needed to focus on the realistic parts of my life and give up on my "unruly dreams."
What are dreams, if they are not dreamt?
And dreaming does not necessarily mean that one is losing focus on the reality of life. In fact, I would argue that dreaming is the reality of life. We use our dreams to set goals, escape from harsh realities, make connections, and understand this crazy world of ours. Some may say that this post is a product of my upbringing by the liberal hippies or yore, the previous generation that taught us to "do whatever we dared" and to "reach for the stars." I don't believe any of that crap. I think that takes the idea of motivation too far. It gives people a false sense of confidence and an expectation of great things, when in fact, great things are great things when they are unexpected. But I do understand the importance of valuing pure motivation through passion. Take my own life as an example.
I went to Messiah College to major in International Business, which I did. However, I planned on leaving Messiah finding a job with a consulting firm and making lots and lots of money, travel the world, and live abroad. A lot of that is certainly my passion still. Yet, I left college with a much different focus. I suddenly had unearthed a passion for the poor. Economic development was a new shift in focus. It certainly fit in with International Business, but was nothing I had ever dreamt of finding a desire to understand and work in. And now I have this grand dream that I will save people from poverty. I will help hundreds if not thousands in learning to bring themselves up on their own two feet. Will that happen? Not necessarily, and I don't imagine myself earning a Nobel Peace Prize anytime soon. I still have the dream, but my expectations are not some grandiose unrealistic hope. That is the difference. And so I haven't lost focus. I am focusing on what is important in my life: my passions and my dreams.
And if I keep that dream alive, with no expectations beyond a little hope, I can succeed. At what? I have no idea. I have no pretenses about my life. But that is how great things happen.
What are dreams, if they are not dreamt?
And dreaming does not necessarily mean that one is losing focus on the reality of life. In fact, I would argue that dreaming is the reality of life. We use our dreams to set goals, escape from harsh realities, make connections, and understand this crazy world of ours. Some may say that this post is a product of my upbringing by the liberal hippies or yore, the previous generation that taught us to "do whatever we dared" and to "reach for the stars." I don't believe any of that crap. I think that takes the idea of motivation too far. It gives people a false sense of confidence and an expectation of great things, when in fact, great things are great things when they are unexpected. But I do understand the importance of valuing pure motivation through passion. Take my own life as an example.
I went to Messiah College to major in International Business, which I did. However, I planned on leaving Messiah finding a job with a consulting firm and making lots and lots of money, travel the world, and live abroad. A lot of that is certainly my passion still. Yet, I left college with a much different focus. I suddenly had unearthed a passion for the poor. Economic development was a new shift in focus. It certainly fit in with International Business, but was nothing I had ever dreamt of finding a desire to understand and work in. And now I have this grand dream that I will save people from poverty. I will help hundreds if not thousands in learning to bring themselves up on their own two feet. Will that happen? Not necessarily, and I don't imagine myself earning a Nobel Peace Prize anytime soon. I still have the dream, but my expectations are not some grandiose unrealistic hope. That is the difference. And so I haven't lost focus. I am focusing on what is important in my life: my passions and my dreams.
And if I keep that dream alive, with no expectations beyond a little hope, I can succeed. At what? I have no idea. I have no pretenses about my life. But that is how great things happen.
15.5.12
I don't want to be a Millenial
A funny thing happened today. I was confronted with myself and I didn't like it. Let me back track just a little. Back in college I took a class focusing on the roles of men and women in American society. Fascinating stuff. But what was more fascinating was a book we read entitled "Generation Me" with some stupid long subtitle below that I can't remember and am too lazy to look up. The book focuses on how our generation has grown up coddled, supported, told to do anything we dream, and utterly selfish.
But not I. I was a good Christian boy, who behaved, did as he was told, and worked very very hard. I had (or will) worked up the ranks at a local orchard, starting out as a simple part time helper at 13 to be manager of 130+ people at the age of 18. I didn't complain, never had much handed to me, and wasn't always one that had to get his way.
Yet, today at work, I didn't get my way. And the first thing I did? Complain and moan how it wasn't fair. I wasn't getting the affirmation of how well I was doing that I deserved. Literally, I sounded just like those in that book I was morbidly embarrassed for. Was I a Millenial?* Had I become the very person I had detested in that book so much? I have only been at this job for 10 months. How could I expect anything at this point? But I was.
And yet, fear not, I am not necessarily a Millenial. Because as the fear began to sweep over my brain. As I worried I was going to be a wortlhless punk the rest of my life, I remembered one thing. Consumerism, marketing, and psychology are at their peak. There has never been a time before now where people were studied so closely. And I think that book I read was right in describing my generation. But my generation is full of young adults. YOUNG. We should be slightly selfish, immature, and rude. We don't know better. I am not talking about how 3 year olds act. And I doubt our generation acts anymore worse than Gen Xers or Baby Boomers. Rather we are the first to be put under a serious microscope.
Those feelings I had? Completely "normal" in the sense that this is my first time in a corporate setting. I am only 23. I don't know better. The difference, however, and what will separate the leaders in our generation are those that can recognize this is a learning opportunity and take every chance they get to grow from mistakes and situations. For example, at one point today I was utterly disappointed and frustrated sitting right in front of my boss. Granted, he was right. But I wanted to say something. And yet, I didn't. I nodded my head, stuffing my emotions in my stomach, and told him thank you as clearly and confidently as I could. And it worked. I haven't lost the respect of my boss, I still respect him (now more than ever) and I have learned a great lesson in superiority.
So I am a Millenial. And I am damned proud to be one. Because people are saying we are ignorant, selfish, and lack motivation. Let us prove them wrong and show them their views are premature and wrong. Sounds like immature thoughts there, if I say so myself. Who is the one that needs to grow up here?
*Millenial is a term used to describe our generation, that is those born in the 80s and early 90s
Millenials. young, sexy, smart, and professional
But not I. I was a good Christian boy, who behaved, did as he was told, and worked very very hard. I had (or will) worked up the ranks at a local orchard, starting out as a simple part time helper at 13 to be manager of 130+ people at the age of 18. I didn't complain, never had much handed to me, and wasn't always one that had to get his way.
Yet, today at work, I didn't get my way. And the first thing I did? Complain and moan how it wasn't fair. I wasn't getting the affirmation of how well I was doing that I deserved. Literally, I sounded just like those in that book I was morbidly embarrassed for. Was I a Millenial?* Had I become the very person I had detested in that book so much? I have only been at this job for 10 months. How could I expect anything at this point? But I was.
Makes me miss the 90s. Except for Pulp Fiction.
And yet, fear not, I am not necessarily a Millenial. Because as the fear began to sweep over my brain. As I worried I was going to be a wortlhless punk the rest of my life, I remembered one thing. Consumerism, marketing, and psychology are at their peak. There has never been a time before now where people were studied so closely. And I think that book I read was right in describing my generation. But my generation is full of young adults. YOUNG. We should be slightly selfish, immature, and rude. We don't know better. I am not talking about how 3 year olds act. And I doubt our generation acts anymore worse than Gen Xers or Baby Boomers. Rather we are the first to be put under a serious microscope.
Those feelings I had? Completely "normal" in the sense that this is my first time in a corporate setting. I am only 23. I don't know better. The difference, however, and what will separate the leaders in our generation are those that can recognize this is a learning opportunity and take every chance they get to grow from mistakes and situations. For example, at one point today I was utterly disappointed and frustrated sitting right in front of my boss. Granted, he was right. But I wanted to say something. And yet, I didn't. I nodded my head, stuffing my emotions in my stomach, and told him thank you as clearly and confidently as I could. And it worked. I haven't lost the respect of my boss, I still respect him (now more than ever) and I have learned a great lesson in superiority.
So I am a Millenial. And I am damned proud to be one. Because people are saying we are ignorant, selfish, and lack motivation. Let us prove them wrong and show them their views are premature and wrong. Sounds like immature thoughts there, if I say so myself. Who is the one that needs to grow up here?
*Millenial is a term used to describe our generation, that is those born in the 80s and early 90s
14.5.12
Locoemotion
It seems as though I only post when things aren't as they should be. Well, rather, things aren't as I want them to be. Certainly it is easier to journal and write when you are depressed. But depression only brings on despair. And despair is not what one wants to read each night.
No, I am not depressed. Yet I have suddenly been confronted with a harsh reality. I am not where I want to be. Part of me wants to blame the shit that has happened in my life over the last 12 months on my own poor decisions and lack of pursuing what I was truly passionate about. But that would be naive and downright stupid. Having grown up Christian I learned that many in this faith believe that God has a plan for your life. I am not going to argue theology here, but they would go so far as to say that he would place obstacles and repercussions from your actions in order to ensure that his plan would ultimately succeed. I don't believe that for one second. And so, despite having ignored a passion in my life, the ills in my life over the past year have not been because God is punishing me. Nor have they been because I made a "wrong" decision. And it is most certainly not because God is slowly playing his hand, getting me onto the right track.
Rather, it is a more passive stance. He has set rules and laws to this world. Chance. It is through chance that he "controls" us. If I chose to sleep with someone that has HIV, does God actively step in and insure I get infected? No. But he has set it up so that in the DC area alone, 1 in 8 adults is HIV positive. He set it up so that the chance of getting infected varies on protection, health, etc. Nor does he ever step in and stop things from happening. So were I to sleep with someone who is positive, me not contracting HIV would not be because I am a good and loyal Christian.
I am not in control. And neither is God. And because of that, my life has been hell. And it will not be until I can accept that I am not in control that this torment become resolute. It is an endless search for me. No, for us all. How can we find control and stability in a world where our supposed Creator has no control? Why would a God so powerful create such a world and then let it loose to the very laws and movements he first created?
Because it is through all this "shit" of the past 12 months that I am learning what it means to live. I no longer go through motions unassuming. I no longer accept the norm. I am slowly finding passion in a life I never knew could have passion. My senses are slowly awaking from what seems like 20+ years of sleep. Like the development of a child, protected in his mother's womb, away from the world, preparing for that first moment - the rush of sensation: light, sound, smell, pain, warmth, cold; here I am beginning to understand what it means to truly feel. My life is finally my own and no one else's. I have no parents to make decisions, teachers to influence me, no one else to bear my responsibility. And that makes every moment that much more exhilarating, important, intimidating, and passionate.
That is where I want to be. The location, the job, the salary, those don't matter. But if I am not living with such passion and emotion as to be alive, then I am nothing but a blade of grass amongst millions.
No, I am not depressed. Yet I have suddenly been confronted with a harsh reality. I am not where I want to be. Part of me wants to blame the shit that has happened in my life over the last 12 months on my own poor decisions and lack of pursuing what I was truly passionate about. But that would be naive and downright stupid. Having grown up Christian I learned that many in this faith believe that God has a plan for your life. I am not going to argue theology here, but they would go so far as to say that he would place obstacles and repercussions from your actions in order to ensure that his plan would ultimately succeed. I don't believe that for one second. And so, despite having ignored a passion in my life, the ills in my life over the past year have not been because God is punishing me. Nor have they been because I made a "wrong" decision. And it is most certainly not because God is slowly playing his hand, getting me onto the right track.
Rather, it is a more passive stance. He has set rules and laws to this world. Chance. It is through chance that he "controls" us. If I chose to sleep with someone that has HIV, does God actively step in and insure I get infected? No. But he has set it up so that in the DC area alone, 1 in 8 adults is HIV positive. He set it up so that the chance of getting infected varies on protection, health, etc. Nor does he ever step in and stop things from happening. So were I to sleep with someone who is positive, me not contracting HIV would not be because I am a good and loyal Christian.
I am not in control. And neither is God. And because of that, my life has been hell. And it will not be until I can accept that I am not in control that this torment become resolute. It is an endless search for me. No, for us all. How can we find control and stability in a world where our supposed Creator has no control? Why would a God so powerful create such a world and then let it loose to the very laws and movements he first created?
Because it is through all this "shit" of the past 12 months that I am learning what it means to live. I no longer go through motions unassuming. I no longer accept the norm. I am slowly finding passion in a life I never knew could have passion. My senses are slowly awaking from what seems like 20+ years of sleep. Like the development of a child, protected in his mother's womb, away from the world, preparing for that first moment - the rush of sensation: light, sound, smell, pain, warmth, cold; here I am beginning to understand what it means to truly feel. My life is finally my own and no one else's. I have no parents to make decisions, teachers to influence me, no one else to bear my responsibility. And that makes every moment that much more exhilarating, important, intimidating, and passionate.
That is where I want to be. The location, the job, the salary, those don't matter. But if I am not living with such passion and emotion as to be alive, then I am nothing but a blade of grass amongst millions.
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