I am having some trouble. This will be my first summer that I am not doing anything... different. I hesitate to say fun or adventurous for fear that nothing will happen this summer. But sadly, I am not off to a monastery for 10 weeks, galavanting around Europe for three months, or living in Santiago for the summer. Nope, I am here back in plain old Maryland with a plan white cubicle and a plain repetitive job...
Boring?
I should think not. Rather, I think I am going to use this time to decompress, to expand my boundaries, and learn more about me at home. One can learn a lot abroad. It stretches you, molds you, and certainly transforms. But really, once all that change has happened, you then need to find out who you are. I am not going to lie, I am lost. And I have been for three years. So much has happened to me in such a condensed time period that I feel overwhelmed. In fact, I don't even really know who I am anymore. No, I don't mean that in the typical non-sensical way. I think I have had so much happen to me over the past few years that I haven't had time to process it all. So I will use this time to cut, copy, paste, rewind, fast forward, edit, control+click my through 15 countries, 100+ hours of prayer, and two jobs.
Step 1) Stop doing things. My weekends will be ebbs and flows of inactivity. I am not going to make an effort to do drastic activities (this being said after a weekend in Houston and one in Boston for Memorial Day).
Step 2) Reconnect with those close to me. I have lost contact with many good friends and I need to reengage them on a new level. My travels have blessed me with so many new contacts, and I cannot let those fall away.
Step 3) Me time. Time for me to do simple things I enjoy. Time for me to do activities that I enjoy, that dust off my senses and creativity. This will be hard.
Step 4) Pray. I've lost me. I need to find me. But I cannot find him without God. = Prayer.
The words of Owl City seem appropriate for my situation.
"Where was I when the rockets came to life, and carried you away?"
Those rockets took me on a journey, but I need to unite me on Earth, and me that took that adventure.
*Fin>
25.5.11
18.5.11
Lights
I feel like I am in the middle of a mid life crises right now, yet it has nothing to do with me. Why? Let's see...
$4.02 a gallon for gas
The Arabic Spring occurring
Tsunami in Japan
Earthquake in New Zealand
Osama Bin Laden murdered
Oh, and people proclaiming the world is going to end on May 21, 2011
So many events out of my control, and they don't really affect me. Yet here I stress: my finances worry me, my living situation sometimes bothers me, my relationships don't satisfy me, and my wants greatly outsize my needs. Let's put things into perspective and realize who I am.
I am but a light on a string of hundreds. No thousands.
Millions.
Flickering, shining bright, growing dull, fighting for power, working together.
If I go out, the string stays lit. But I am important, yet so small.
All too often I get tangled with other lights. Knots form that take time to unravel. I am one shade of a spectrum of different lights and colors.
Despite all this. I am a light, dim or bright, in this darkness. In all we hear today I am a light. As many of you are. As some of you should be. And as some of you were. I am a light.
$4.02 a gallon for gas
The Arabic Spring occurring
Tsunami in Japan
Earthquake in New Zealand
Osama Bin Laden murdered
Oh, and people proclaiming the world is going to end on May 21, 2011
So many events out of my control, and they don't really affect me. Yet here I stress: my finances worry me, my living situation sometimes bothers me, my relationships don't satisfy me, and my wants greatly outsize my needs. Let's put things into perspective and realize who I am.
I am but a light on a string of hundreds. No thousands.
Millions.
Flickering, shining bright, growing dull, fighting for power, working together.
If I go out, the string stays lit. But I am important, yet so small.
All too often I get tangled with other lights. Knots form that take time to unravel. I am one shade of a spectrum of different lights and colors.
Despite all this. I am a light, dim or bright, in this darkness. In all we hear today I am a light. As many of you are. As some of you should be. And as some of you were. I am a light.
Hello
Today was a very bad day for the human race. If human interactions were graded, and I was the honored professor, I'd give us a D+, but only because I hope things get better. To start off, I had a jerk on the highway who couldn't stand going just 10 mph over. You'd swear, with the way people drive you wouldn't know gas was $3.99 a gallon. (FYI, I am a big proponent of more taxes on oil usage) There is just something ironic about a Toyota Prius cruising down the highway at 75 mph.... Do you drive that car to be green? Or so you can drive fast and feel better about it?
Then during work, I spoke to a man that chose to use derogatory and racially charged comments towards another coworker of mine. The ignorance and selfishness of some people just amazes me. Finally on my way home, and woman decided I wasn't going fast enough again and chose to be within 10 inches of my bumper going 65. Sweet.
And so the anger from all day boiled as I got off the highway and tried to race home, hungry and tired. I kept processing all the frustrating events of the day as I turned into my development. I get this amazing view of the rest of my country from the top of the development. On clear days I can see straight to the District, and many times if is a beautiful sight. Today I hardly noticed it as I downshifted to give myself more power to get home as soon as I could to hide away from the frustrations of this world. I had a cd playing Martin Solveig's track Hello as I turned the corner. There to my right was a child, no older than 4 riding a Playskool bike, bright red, blue and yellow, around his driveway. He stopped as he saw me, staring at this complete stranger. Suddenly his fat thick hand raised into the air and opened up, palm towards me, and he waved. He waved, saying hello which I could only make out from his lips.
Me? A complete stranger. Certainly there is the sweetness of the innocence of this child. But more so, he reflects the inner character so many, if not all, of us lose moving into adulthood. It struck me to the core. And while I can't control other's actions, I can control mine.
So I too will be that child. I raise my thick fat arm into the air. My grubby hand is as high as I can reach it, I open it up, and I wave hello to you, my friend. And to you, my stranger. Hello.
Then during work, I spoke to a man that chose to use derogatory and racially charged comments towards another coworker of mine. The ignorance and selfishness of some people just amazes me. Finally on my way home, and woman decided I wasn't going fast enough again and chose to be within 10 inches of my bumper going 65. Sweet.
And so the anger from all day boiled as I got off the highway and tried to race home, hungry and tired. I kept processing all the frustrating events of the day as I turned into my development. I get this amazing view of the rest of my country from the top of the development. On clear days I can see straight to the District, and many times if is a beautiful sight. Today I hardly noticed it as I downshifted to give myself more power to get home as soon as I could to hide away from the frustrations of this world. I had a cd playing Martin Solveig's track Hello as I turned the corner. There to my right was a child, no older than 4 riding a Playskool bike, bright red, blue and yellow, around his driveway. He stopped as he saw me, staring at this complete stranger. Suddenly his fat thick hand raised into the air and opened up, palm towards me, and he waved. He waved, saying hello which I could only make out from his lips.
Me? A complete stranger. Certainly there is the sweetness of the innocence of this child. But more so, he reflects the inner character so many, if not all, of us lose moving into adulthood. It struck me to the core. And while I can't control other's actions, I can control mine.
So I too will be that child. I raise my thick fat arm into the air. My grubby hand is as high as I can reach it, I open it up, and I wave hello to you, my friend. And to you, my stranger. Hello.
Stupid stupid blogger!
My last two or three posts never posted and have been deleted! I guess that is what you get with free services.
Hence why I don't like Google. Who KEEPS asking for more of my personal information so I don't ever lose access to my account... Is that REALLY why?....
Hence why I don't like Google. Who KEEPS asking for more of my personal information so I don't ever lose access to my account... Is that REALLY why?....
8.5.11
Complications
What do I want to do? As if deciding what college to go to, what major to study, what to do with my spare time in this four years weren't hard enough decisions...
I have been out of college for a 16 months now and it really wasn't until now that the true actuality of graduation hit me. In all honest, I have been focused merely on the here and now these past 16 months. The internship in the Dominican Republic was an almost last minute thing. As was Ghana. I then sort of fell back into work at a local farm until chance had it I came across a temp job with a regulatory agency. Time has finally slowed down for me, and for the first time in 5 years I have had the same lifestyle and consistency for more than 3 months. Crazy huh?
But that consistency has slowly begun to bother me. Because now I am able to look further and see what lies ahead. Before, I certainly made choices, but it was as if the choices were just 60-70 different railroad tracks I could have dicerned between. Now, rather than tracks, it is as if I have nothing but a wide open field that rolls into mountains, valleys, beaches, oceans, and more. I can do anything I want. I can make a choice and it is my own. I have never had such independence before. and it honestly excites me more than anything. Granted I am sitting here overwhelmed with trying to begin to piece together a plan for my life. And I think perhaps the most exhilarating thing of all is that there really isn't a plan. My life up until the age of 18 was careful calculations. I did the ordinary, I blended in, and I succeeded at what I did, even if what I did was casual and of the norm. Suddenly I turned 18, and to say the least, in the last four years I have toured all of Europe, lived in the Dominican Republic, devoted an entire summer to a house of prayer, visited Africa, and made good friends in Holland. None of that could be planned. It happened with precision and thought, but it most certainly was not planned. And so what is exciting about this place in my life is just how open I have become to doing something different. Something outside the norm. Traveling somewhere. Pushing myself into difficult situations, struggling with hardships that don't involve life here in the US. Learning new languages. Eating new foods. Finding loneliness and ending up finding happiness out of loneliness by meeting new people. Exploring new ideas and theories.
And all of this, a wealth of opportunity, a dichotomy of change, and power of tranformation right in front of me. Confusing? Yes, the potential for all of this in so many differnt possibilities is certainly overwhelming and confusing. But it is exciting. It is something I can look forward to. Because in all honesty, I hate my job right now. Not because of the job itself. But because of the mundanity, the repetition, the familiarity. I thought I'd never say this, but I thrive in different. In complexity. In strangeness. It is where I belong. And so it is where I will go. Out into that field of opportunity, with no set tacks, just openness begging for a new way to be forged. And one that is all my own.
I have been out of college for a 16 months now and it really wasn't until now that the true actuality of graduation hit me. In all honest, I have been focused merely on the here and now these past 16 months. The internship in the Dominican Republic was an almost last minute thing. As was Ghana. I then sort of fell back into work at a local farm until chance had it I came across a temp job with a regulatory agency. Time has finally slowed down for me, and for the first time in 5 years I have had the same lifestyle and consistency for more than 3 months. Crazy huh?
But that consistency has slowly begun to bother me. Because now I am able to look further and see what lies ahead. Before, I certainly made choices, but it was as if the choices were just 60-70 different railroad tracks I could have dicerned between. Now, rather than tracks, it is as if I have nothing but a wide open field that rolls into mountains, valleys, beaches, oceans, and more. I can do anything I want. I can make a choice and it is my own. I have never had such independence before. and it honestly excites me more than anything. Granted I am sitting here overwhelmed with trying to begin to piece together a plan for my life. And I think perhaps the most exhilarating thing of all is that there really isn't a plan. My life up until the age of 18 was careful calculations. I did the ordinary, I blended in, and I succeeded at what I did, even if what I did was casual and of the norm. Suddenly I turned 18, and to say the least, in the last four years I have toured all of Europe, lived in the Dominican Republic, devoted an entire summer to a house of prayer, visited Africa, and made good friends in Holland. None of that could be planned. It happened with precision and thought, but it most certainly was not planned. And so what is exciting about this place in my life is just how open I have become to doing something different. Something outside the norm. Traveling somewhere. Pushing myself into difficult situations, struggling with hardships that don't involve life here in the US. Learning new languages. Eating new foods. Finding loneliness and ending up finding happiness out of loneliness by meeting new people. Exploring new ideas and theories.
And all of this, a wealth of opportunity, a dichotomy of change, and power of tranformation right in front of me. Confusing? Yes, the potential for all of this in so many differnt possibilities is certainly overwhelming and confusing. But it is exciting. It is something I can look forward to. Because in all honesty, I hate my job right now. Not because of the job itself. But because of the mundanity, the repetition, the familiarity. I thought I'd never say this, but I thrive in different. In complexity. In strangeness. It is where I belong. And so it is where I will go. Out into that field of opportunity, with no set tacks, just openness begging for a new way to be forged. And one that is all my own.
5.5.11
Reaction in Peace
I feel like a broken record sometimes on here. I think I need to change things up.
I mourn the death of Osama Bin Laden. As evil as a man as his actions may portray, he was still human being. He was still created in the same manner as I, and he is no different than me. His wrongdoings have cause no more harm than my own in the eyes of my creator. And yet thousands relish in his demise. His passing is celebrated. I regret that his life was taken and moreover I regret in the manner that it occurred. Yet on top of all of this, there has been no outcry about the injustice served to him.
He did not deserve to die any more than you or I deserve punsihment until death. Our waste, our gossip, our lust is no better than the act of designing a plan and instigating motions to murder 3,000 innocent victims. On a daily basis hundreds die of starvation and war, terror and natural disaster. And yet how much are we, Americans (or Westerners for that matter) mourning their loss or attempting to stop their downfall? We are guilty just as much as the next for our inaction. And yet our apathetic behavior is never brought to justice.
How many of us have felt the rage that could kill 3,000? Few in this country. I am not justifying Bin Laden or Al Queda's actions. But I am saying that few Westerners could understand the source of his anger, or the extent of it. And yet we take his life the moment we can. If it isn't clear by now, I am a pacifist. And I wonder how any Christian could not call themselves a pacifist. We groan and mourn at the loss of 3,000 lives and how do we respond? Invade countries, fight and kill, and ultimately become the very enemy we are fighting. Are we any better than this terrorists? No. We believe we are just as justified as they are. So who is right? Neither. For neither fight with peace. Actions of anger, hatred, revenge, and hurt take control when rather actions of forgiveness, reconciliation, and peace should command our decisions.
I applaud Obama on his decision to not release photos of Osama's body. And to you Mrs. Palin, stop "pussyfooting" your religion, lose the hypocrisy, and let rest what rests. Allow peace and love to control your life. Christ did and wonders happened in ways we see, but even more on levels we have yet to understand. React the way Christ reacted. Not in ways of emotion.
I mourn the death of Osama Bin Laden. As evil as a man as his actions may portray, he was still human being. He was still created in the same manner as I, and he is no different than me. His wrongdoings have cause no more harm than my own in the eyes of my creator. And yet thousands relish in his demise. His passing is celebrated. I regret that his life was taken and moreover I regret in the manner that it occurred. Yet on top of all of this, there has been no outcry about the injustice served to him.
He did not deserve to die any more than you or I deserve punsihment until death. Our waste, our gossip, our lust is no better than the act of designing a plan and instigating motions to murder 3,000 innocent victims. On a daily basis hundreds die of starvation and war, terror and natural disaster. And yet how much are we, Americans (or Westerners for that matter) mourning their loss or attempting to stop their downfall? We are guilty just as much as the next for our inaction. And yet our apathetic behavior is never brought to justice.
How many of us have felt the rage that could kill 3,000? Few in this country. I am not justifying Bin Laden or Al Queda's actions. But I am saying that few Westerners could understand the source of his anger, or the extent of it. And yet we take his life the moment we can. If it isn't clear by now, I am a pacifist. And I wonder how any Christian could not call themselves a pacifist. We groan and mourn at the loss of 3,000 lives and how do we respond? Invade countries, fight and kill, and ultimately become the very enemy we are fighting. Are we any better than this terrorists? No. We believe we are just as justified as they are. So who is right? Neither. For neither fight with peace. Actions of anger, hatred, revenge, and hurt take control when rather actions of forgiveness, reconciliation, and peace should command our decisions.
I applaud Obama on his decision to not release photos of Osama's body. And to you Mrs. Palin, stop "pussyfooting" your religion, lose the hypocrisy, and let rest what rests. Allow peace and love to control your life. Christ did and wonders happened in ways we see, but even more on levels we have yet to understand. React the way Christ reacted. Not in ways of emotion.
3.5.11
Leaf
Imagine a leaf, broken free of its ties to the healthy branch. The strong gusts rip it from it's security and lifeline and suddenly what was once a small part in a uniform of a thriving system of life is now at the mercy of forces impassable. So it is the way we leave our houses each day. We may kiss goodbye our loved one, a parent, or a friend. We may leave casually, apprehensively, or in a rush. It doesn't matter, the manner. What does matter is that the moment one steps forward from their house, they subject themselves to forces unknown and out of their control.
I can't help but each time I visit with my newborn niece, see the fraility to her life. She is but a tiny bud, clinging dearly to the strong protective branches around her. Yet the time will come when she has unfurled into a green, lush leaf, soaking the the sweetness of the rain and the comfort of the sun. But that day will come when the firm grasp loses its power. Not by her own decision, but by decisions made by other forces, she will put out into a frontier much larger than she ever imagined. Suddenly that massive oak she was once apart of is but a speck on the horizon. Before her are thousands of oaks and pines towering above. Acres and acres of unexplored meadows unfurl before her. And at lands end, the solemn power of the ocean awaits.
I don't want to disucss the fears of leavin that oak. Rather I want to talk about the beauty of the exploration. Hearing new languages, breathing in new smells, and seeing dazzling and rare colors are explosions of sensory memories that can be experienced abroad. For me, my times abroad have brought about a understanding of the world that is hard to explain. It isn't necessarily any better than another's, but my mind has been open up to systems that I didn't know existed. I have heard ideas I never knew were real. Finally, I have been able to see life, and understand what it means, from many different lenses. There is beauty in a mural of emotions, smells, tastes, views, morals, and thoughts.
No, I am not a universalist. My core morals and values remain. But they remain in a much modified way. For example, my idea of relationships has transformed over the years. I still value friendships, but suddenly a friendship isn't necessarily a relationship built over time. Rather, my time abroad has forced me to trust people earlier, to reach out faster, and to connect better. I know have good friends in Washington state, Ghana, Holland, Australia, the UK, the Dominican Republic, Nicaragua, Massachusettes, and California. I have known some but for a total a four weeks. But they are stil friends.
Many of us are full grown leaves. Yet unbeknownst to us, we are beyond our prime. Our bodies have been aching to leave the oak. Take the risk, and explore. Be rewarded in ways no one could for see. It is worth it. Life is out there. Breathe it in.
I can't help but each time I visit with my newborn niece, see the fraility to her life. She is but a tiny bud, clinging dearly to the strong protective branches around her. Yet the time will come when she has unfurled into a green, lush leaf, soaking the the sweetness of the rain and the comfort of the sun. But that day will come when the firm grasp loses its power. Not by her own decision, but by decisions made by other forces, she will put out into a frontier much larger than she ever imagined. Suddenly that massive oak she was once apart of is but a speck on the horizon. Before her are thousands of oaks and pines towering above. Acres and acres of unexplored meadows unfurl before her. And at lands end, the solemn power of the ocean awaits.
I don't want to disucss the fears of leavin that oak. Rather I want to talk about the beauty of the exploration. Hearing new languages, breathing in new smells, and seeing dazzling and rare colors are explosions of sensory memories that can be experienced abroad. For me, my times abroad have brought about a understanding of the world that is hard to explain. It isn't necessarily any better than another's, but my mind has been open up to systems that I didn't know existed. I have heard ideas I never knew were real. Finally, I have been able to see life, and understand what it means, from many different lenses. There is beauty in a mural of emotions, smells, tastes, views, morals, and thoughts.
No, I am not a universalist. My core morals and values remain. But they remain in a much modified way. For example, my idea of relationships has transformed over the years. I still value friendships, but suddenly a friendship isn't necessarily a relationship built over time. Rather, my time abroad has forced me to trust people earlier, to reach out faster, and to connect better. I know have good friends in Washington state, Ghana, Holland, Australia, the UK, the Dominican Republic, Nicaragua, Massachusettes, and California. I have known some but for a total a four weeks. But they are stil friends.
Many of us are full grown leaves. Yet unbeknownst to us, we are beyond our prime. Our bodies have been aching to leave the oak. Take the risk, and explore. Be rewarded in ways no one could for see. It is worth it. Life is out there. Breathe it in.
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