I have given a lot of thought over the years to my actions. I am constantly trying to shift my emotions, my thoughts, and my actions in ways to conform to what people expect of me. It is as if I am stuck in a never ending factory that is constantly molding me into some desired form. Yet once I have been completed, the scenario has changed and demand for a new model is much greater. It is like some torturous nightmare, but the one in control of the factory is me.
And so I think, for once, I am going ask myself to stop the cycle. For once, I am not going to mold anymore. I have found that as the years pass by I become a little more confident. And that confidence leads to more of a desire to be free of the pressures placed on me by society, family, friends, work, etc.
So I am not sorry for who I am. I don't apologize if I offend you. I don't think I need to explain myself to you anymore. I am who I am. I am part upbringing, a dash of arrogance mixed in with self doubt, a passion to fight, and a tasting of joy. I am going to be bold in my life. I will make decisions, certainly educated ones, but they will be decisions without regrets. I have gone far too long lingering on the past. What was said and done cannot be changed. So I am simplifying my life and stopping the over-analyzing.
A friend that has taught me more than he will ever realize said this to me last week in about the same words: "Why is it so wrong to be who you are? Stop worrying about how you act, accept it, and be it." After so many years of hating who I was and struggling with trying to accept just part of me, this is a huge uphill walk for me. And I am not talking about the pathetic self love our culture wants us to obtain. I don't want to be arrogant or narcissistic. But I do want to be more self aware, and I want to be okay with that.
I want to live a life that isn't full or regrets and caution about what others may think. I want to be hurt again, but hurt because I was bold. I want to be happy. But happy because I was aggressive. I want to be sad. But sad because I attempted something difficult. I want to be satisfied. Satisfied that I am who I am.